Disagree better newsletter

The Disagree Better newsletter is 25 years old this month.

Conflict and suffering are bedfellows. When we’re trying to help others in conflict, we can help better if we can turn toward their suffering instead of withdrawing from it.

Do try this at home. And work.

Habits shape identity. And identity shapes habits.

Boost inspiration by changing just one word from the usual question.

As Ali said, champions are made in the gym, not in the ring.

When conflict kindles unwelcome emotions, we want relief. There’s a well-researched emotion regulation technique that reliably dampens the effect of unwelcome emotions.

Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai reminds us there’s a better choice than withdrawing from someone when we’re not getting along.

Just a little wondering out loud.

Pay attention to all three to make the most of this conflict resolution superpower.

Recurring conflict doesn’t automatically signal that a personal or professional relationship is in trouble.

When you’re tempted to dismiss someone’s concern as trivial or roll your eyes at the things people find to fight over, it’s time to sit up straight and pay attention. You’re missing something, and it could be important.

Trade shift responses for support responses.

Like riding a wave in your mind’s eye.

Once we’ve sorted out our differences, is the conflict over? Or does it leave a residual experience that can drag us down again?

Come out of hiding, you pesky things.

It’s wild how well these kinds of questions work.

Like a reset button for your emotions.

The fact that we disagree — even strongly — isn’t what damages personal or professional relationships. It’s how well we make use of practices that buffer our vital relationships from the detrimental effects of conflict. In other words, it’s how well we safeguard “the space between” through the way we disagree.

When a disagreement in front of others gets difficult, there’s a simple remedy for avoiding two common pitfalls such conversations bring with them.

Don’t like their defensiveness dance? Change **your** dance steps.

Better conflict resolution habits begin with a slow, steady build.

When we argue, and particularly when we argue with loved ones and colleagues — those with whom we are in ongoing relationship — the argument has three threads at its core. It doesn’t matter what we’re arguing about; those three threads are there. When we attend to those three threads, we set the stage for…

Sometimes the best comeback after an insult — the comeback that actually does something for us instead of to them — is no comeback at all, as the following Zen koan so beautifully illustrates.

When we want to reduce animosity and increase empathy toward a group or individual, we may try perspective-taking, the act of trying to stand in their shoes and view the situation from their perspective. But what if there’s something even more powerful for the job?

A subscriber emailed me with the question, “How do I know when I’ve figured out the real problem or issue?” It’s a question worth unpacking and I have an alternative question to propose.

Conflict spirals are patterns of friction or tension that worsen over time. Distancing spirals are a particularly insidious form of conflict spiral because they cause relationship damage while we think we’re doing nothing wrong at all.