When I was a teenager, I had the good fortune to spend time with Isaac Asimov at what is now the Rensselaerville Institute. Among the many good memories of that time, something Asimov said has stood out for me over the decades since:
People always think scientists seek the eureka! moment. Eureka is fun, yes. But I prefer Hmmm, that’s interesting… because that gets us on the trail of a new discovery.
ISAAC ASIMOV
For years, I reminded my graduate students that mediating is just a long series of experiments. We notice something happening in the conversation, mentally review our toolbox, and think, maybe this tool will help. We try it, and it works! Yay! Or we try it — and it achieves nothing. So we look again into our toolbox and think, well, this looks like a good approach to try, let’s see if it helps…
I tell audiences that after they leave my seminar, it’s not a good idea to wait until the next big blowup to try out the approaches they’ve just learned. They need to build muscle memory first, like learning to ski on the beginner’s slope. When they practice what they learned in their small fights, they begin to build that muscle memory. No-stakes and low-stakes moments are good places to be slightly inept with a new conflict resolution skill.
Why do tiny experiments help?
When we adopt an experimental mindset, we free ourselves from some of the cognitive traps and emotional quagmires associated with big goals and habits.
In Atomic Habits, James Clear teaches that small changes help us develop strong, lasting habits. In Tiny Experiments, neuroscientist Anne-Laure Le Cunff teaches how an experimental mindset helps us better navigate life’s ambiguities and stresses.
Their frameworks help explain something I’ve seen work in practice for years. Small experiments help us make bigger changes and improvements because:
Small, low-friction actions are easier to start. We bypass the pressure and overwhelm of developing bigger habits.
Tiny improvements compound like interest. They accumulate over time, leading to bigger habit changes and skill development.
Small experiments make trying new things feel safer. They lower the emotional stakes because the focus is on learning, not on achieving a fixed outcome.
An experimental mindset reframes failure as data, not defeat. When things don’t go as expected, small setbacks become data that help us iterate and try again.
Tiny actions minimize the cost of failure. When the right words don’t come out of our mouths, it’s just a small blip in a larger conversation.
Tiny experiments that will help you disagree better
How tiny should a tiny experiment be when it comes to disagreeing better? Here are examples of tiny experiments to try, bite-sized actions that can shift the tenor and direction of an argument.
- Wait three seconds before responding.
- When they’re talking, put down your phone or turn away from your keyboard.
- Substitute “yes, and…” for “yes, but…”
- Ask one curiosity-driven question before responding.
- If you tend to be uncomfortable with silence, count seven seconds before filling a silence you’ve noticed.
- When they say something you disagree with, repeat back what you understood, in your own words, before saying your piece.
- When they complain or criticize you, reply with, “Tell me more.” Then wait.
- Name one emotion you’re feeling during disagreement (“I’m frustrated” or “I’m feeling a bit defensive right now”).
- Say, “One way I’m thinking about this is…” before stating your perspective.
- If you usually withdraw when things get tense, stay in the room for one minute longer when you feel the impulse to leave.
- When you open your mouth to offer advice, replace what you were about to say with comforting noises (Ooh! Aha! Hmmm. Wow.).
- Share one thing you agree with in their position before explaining where you differ.
- Acknowledge one thing you contributed to the problem before pointing out how they did.
- Whenever you find yourself diagnosing their frailty (“passive-aggressive,” “low EQ,” “difficult person,” etc.), ask yourself, what else could this be?
- If you’re a mediator who is a dedicated note-taker, stop taking notes for 10 minutes and give them your undivided attention instead.
Or, design your own tiny experiment for disagreeing better. Identify a skill or habit you want to do better, and break it into bite-sized chunks.
A tiny experiment isn’t a one-and-done activity. You might try “Yes, and” five times before it stops sounding weird coming from you. You might pause for three seconds 30 times before it starts to feel less forced and more natural.
And not every experiment will land smoothly. The other person might react with confusion or impatience. That’s normal when you’re trying something new, and it doesn’t mean the experiment “failed.” It’s data! The point of tiny experiments like these is that they’re small enough to avoid damage, even when they land awkwardly.
Pick one and experiment with it in different settings and situations. Maybe you’ll decide it’s not useful to you, maybe you’ll make it part of your own disagree better toolbox.
Over to you
- What would make an experiment feel small enough that you’d actually try it?
- When you think about the last disagreement you had, what’s one thing you wish you’d done differently? What tiny experiment could you create from that wish?
- If your tiny experiment doesn’t work (nothing seems to shift), what would you learn from that? What would you do next?