The next time someone declines to take responsibility for words or actions that had a bad impact, don’t immediately assume it’s a flaw in their character. Maybe it’s just their protective brain doing its job. We flip a light switch and the light turns on or off. We experience agency in that moment — the […]
Examining mental models
Mental models are the explanations and pictures we naturally construct in our heads to make sense of the world and our experiences. Our mental models heavily influence our conflict stories. We disagree better when we understand the ways this "invisible architecture" of the mind can help or hinder us.
Walking a mile in their shoes may not be such a good idea after all
There seem to be two routes to empathy. One will tax you more.
How category errors make conflict harder to resolve
We put people, places, things, and ideas into categories. Categories help us navigate the world and it’s natural to categorize. We categorize in conflict, too. But the tension of conflict increases the chances we’ll make category errors — and category errors can really get in the way of conflict resolution. It’s two o’clock in the […]
When conflict is real but not true
How one momentary pause can transform your conversation.
We could all use a Russell in our lives
We seek out allies when we’re in conflict because allies make us feel strong and right and reasonable. But in trying to be helpful, our allies may actually help perpetuate the conflict by boosting our certainty. When we’re being tested by a conflict, what we want isn’t an ally, it’s a loving provocateur.
5 counter-intuitive conflict resolution habits worth developing
Skills alone will only get you so far.
How to navigate the “not my problem” problem
When you’re at the edge of a cliff, sometimes progress is a step backward.
You want this mental device in your relationship conflict toolbox
A way to help couples overcome relationship conflict
Weaving the narrative of a conflict
Conflict takes root in the space between our narrative about what happened and theirs. One way to understand conflict resolution is as the act of weaving a new joint narrative, one that includes the most valuable threads in each story A fan approached bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert at a book signing. The woman said, “Eat […]
How totalizing makes conflict more grueling
Resist that all-or-nothing language and thought
The illusion of understanding
A surprising side effect of our ability to cooperate so well.
Get into their movie
A trick of the mind for better perspective-taking.
Who are you to be? One powerful way to change conflict habits
Habits shape identity. And identity shapes habits.
Generate more creative solutions with this question
Boost inspiration by changing just one word from the usual question.
The triviality trap
Sit up straight and pay attention. You’re missing something.
Making the impossible possible
It’s wild how well these kinds of questions work.
Conflict resolution is like driving at night in the fog
You only need to see two or three feet in front of you.
An alternative to perspective-taking when you want to reduce animosity
Try counterfactual thinking instead.
What is the real issue?
Real is a rabbit in a bramble patch.
How to be truly helpful when someone is upset
Dismissive positivity and buried empathy begone.