Like a movie trailer, your Stuck Story is a montage of the most interesting moments in a conflict, with certain scenes magnified and others omitted. It’s not the story of the conflict; it’s your story of the conflict. Here’s why and how to stop the unintended rehearsals of a Stuck Story.
Cultivating emotional agility
The best conflict resolution and communication skills in the world are of little use if we can’t access them when we need them most. We disagree better when we can think clearly, respond nimbly, and regain our equilibrium in the face of difficult and stressful interactions.
De-escalate anger with this straightforward invitation
Anger is a signal, not a defect.
A super simple method for regaining self-control
Just a trip down memory lane.
Want someone to calm down? Don’t do this
I’ve written that anger is a messenger that won’t shut up until its message is heard and understood. But if the anger is so big or so loud you can’t hear straight, there are things you can do to help someone calm down. And a few things you shouldn’t do…like these five missteps. I’ve written […]
The art of dealing with insults
A traditional Zen koan, or story.
The real message anger is trying to deliver
During conflict, focusing mostly on angry behavior instead of on anger’s real message is like burying the lede in a news story. It was the first day of high school journalism class for American journalist and filmmaker Nora Ephron. The subject of the day was how to write a lede. The teacher began with a […]
Want more self-control during conflict? Try appealing to your future self
Conflict can rob you of two precious mental faculties useful for sorting things out: The ability to view the situation from the other person’s perspective and the ability to check your impulses. New research suggests that your future self can help you recapture those abilities. Confrontations and conflict require self-control to resist the tempting words […]
How to deal with stonewalling in a relationship at work or home
Stonewalling makes conflict conversations more difficult and can damage vital relationships. So what can you do if you want to talk out a problem, but the other person is stonewalling? Start by understanding how the present circumstances may be driving the behavior.
A question to help ease suffering during conflict
Conflict and suffering are bedfellows. When we’re trying to help others in conflict, whether as mediators, leaders, or family members, we can help them better if we can turn toward their suffering instead of withdrawing from it.
Ask this simple question to help regulate emotions
When conflict kindles unwelcome emotions, we want relief. There’s a well-researched emotion regulation technique that reliably dampens the effect of unwelcome emotions, and all we need to remember is one simple question.
An uncomplicated mindfulness technique for managing the urge to lash out
Like riding a wave in your mind’s eye.
Anger resets
Like a reset button for your emotions.
The non-comeback comeback after an insult
Well, that’s the first time I’ve been called a lemming.
Introducing QueryCards
Self-coaching questions for conflict resolution.
Three alternatives to rumination after an argument
Never has a rubber duck been more helpful.
An uncomplicated way to reduce the pitfalls of emotional memories during conflict resolution
Don’t suppress or stifle — shift.
How to stop ruminating at night (other times too)
Rumination, or dwelling on anger or hurt after a conflict, isn’t a helpful habit. To stop ruminating at night or any other time you find yourself dwelling on your distress, here’s a thought exercise to help you stop the endless and potentially harmful loop.
A way to turn anger into curiosity
We’ll call this the George Takei method.
Ask yourself this kind of question when an argument rattles you
Use a centering question to get your balance back.
Fighting in a relationship: The gift of anger
I blew my top and my friend surprised me.