When friction enters a working relationship, sometimes the best path through isn’t to dissect it and talk about it. Sometimes the best path through is an indirect one — ask for a favor from them. Just like Ben Franklin suggested.
Safeguarding the space between
The "space between" is the figurative space between us. Conflict and friction can damage the space between, but there are things we can do to buffer our vital relationships from the negative effects of conflict. We disagree better when we negotiate in ways that both honor and safeguard the space between.
A remarkable tool for neutralizing the ravages of marital conflict
If 21 minutes of your time could make the difference between a marriage that’s crumbling and a marriage that grows stronger, would you do it? Hell, yeah. The following research-based writing activity can have a remarkably powerful impact on marital conflict. It’s free. It’s simple. And you don’t need anyone’s help to do it. We’ve […]
Kintsugi and the art of mending relationship conflict
Conflict in personal, professional and business relationships leaves permanent cracks and breaks behind. What if, instead of trying to ignore or hide the damage, we revered it, understanding that “better than new” is more valuable than “good as new”?
Sometimes it’s not a conversation that changes their mind
When we try to talk out a problem with someone, and conversation hasn’t yielded the results we hoped, we may find ourselves withdrawing from them. But as Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai reminds us, there’s often a better choice.
An upside to recurring conflict: Relational stress wood
Recurring conflict doesn’t automatically signal that a personal or professional relationship is in trouble. Teams, couples, and families that experience conflict can develop a figurative “stress wood” that makes for resilient relationships.
What happens *after* conflict resolution?
Once we’ve sorted out our differences, is the conflict over? Or does it leave a residual experience that can drag us down again?
7 tried-and-true ways to safeguard the space between
The fact that we disagree — even strongly — isn’t what damages personal or professional relationships. It’s how well we make use of practices that buffer our vital relationships from the detrimental effects of conflict. In other words, it’s how well we safeguard “the space between” through the way we disagree.
Three threads at the heart of every argument
When we argue, and particularly when we argue with loved ones and colleagues — those with whom we are in ongoing relationship — the argument has three threads at its core. It doesn’t matter what we’re arguing about; those three threads are there. When we attend to those three threads, we set the stage for […]
Is a distancing spiral quietly damaging your important relationship?
Conflict spirals are patterns of friction or tension that worsen over time. Distancing spirals are a particularly insidious form of conflict spiral because they cause relationship damage while we think we’re doing nothing wrong at all.
5 ways to deal proactively with conflict while working from home
Life looks different for most of us than it did a few weeks ago. The dramatic changes in the rhythm of our lives, the economic uncertainty, and the anxiety about health and safety are breeding grounds for stress and conflict. Here are a few things you can do to get ahead of conflict while working […]
How to disagree better
Have better disagreements in your personal and professional relationships.
Bedrock principles
These principles are fundamental to my work with clients who are experiencing conflict or tension in important ongoing personal or professional relationships.
An effortless way to discern others’ emotions
Being able to accurately discern someone’s emotional state is an essential conflict resolution skill. But even with both good will and skill, we have a fair chance of guessing wrong. Recent research suggests that when it comes to accurately figuring out what someone else is feeling, there’s one thing we can do that boosts our […]
Can this key ingredient protect your marriage from relationship conflict?
Couples can have big fights, frequent conflict, and even bicker all the time and still have healthy, fulfilling, and lasting relationships. How so? Recent research suggests that one factor in particular plays an important role in protecting a couple from the negative effects of relationship conflict: How well you think your partner “gets” you.
The space between
There’s a space that changes form and scale as we navigate our personal and business relationships. It’s the space between us, narrowing and softening when things are going well, widening and hardening in times of tension. The quality of our relationships, the degree of our happiness, and the success of our solutions are all influenced […]
How “being with” is a powerful way to help
What does it mean to hold the space for someone who’s trying to get somewhere different in a conflict? And how do we hold that space, whether we’re a friend trying to help, a manager trying to intervene, or a mediator trying to find a path to resolution? Brilliant writer, teacher, and social activist Parker […]
Learning from Maori tradition: Whakawhanaungatanga
Whakawhanaungatanga is a Māori process for establishing relationships and connection. I explore whakawhanaungatanga with New Zealanders Hilary Unwin and Pereri Hathaway in this audio interview.
When tension continues after conflict seems resolved
Even after a dispute is resolved, conflict and tension can linger. Here’s how to find out what is stopping someone from letting go and moving on after conflict.
Overcoming resistance: Work with people, not on them
People are experts in their own experience
One powerful way to help ease the suffering in conflict
Conflict and suffering are confederates working in painful alliance, each feeding the other as if to ensure its own continued existence. If I turn away from the suffering in conflict, I deny a part of my clients’ experience. If I try to fix suffering, I assume a task that is not really mine to shoulder. […]