These phrases will help you introduce disagreement in a non-confrontational way.
We know the usual phrases for introducing our disagreement: I see it differently. I’m coming at it from a different angle. I think we’re on different wavelengths.
These are all valuable phrases because they soften the hard fact of our disagreement and signal interest in keeping things civil. I regularly use the “different angle” phrasing myself.
One way to be more nimble in disagreements is to deepen your language toolbox. In that spirit, here are five more ways to express disagreement amicably:
1. You’ve made me think.
“The highest compliment from someone who disagrees with you is not “You were right,” says psychologist Adam Grant, “it’s you made me think.” By starting with this acknowledgment, you signal your interest in their viewpoint and willingness to reconsider your initial view.
What it might sound like in practice: You made me think when you pointed out that asking questions about the data is different from questioning the data itself.
2. What I appreciate in your point of view is…
This phrase demonstrates that you listened and that you’re open-minded about their view. If you hope they will be open-minded about your view, be the one who goes first. Philosopher Voltaire said, “Appreciation is a wonderful thing: it makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.”
What it might sound like in practice: I appreciate your point about it being your job to ask questions about data we’re relying on to make an expensive decision and that others might wonder if you didn’t ask questions.
3. I experienced it differently.
To paraphrase journalist Krista Tippett, it may be easy to disagree with your opinion, but it’s hard to disagree with your experience. The way you experience something is yours alone to determine.
What it might sound like in practice: I experienced your questions as trying to convey skepticism and doubt about my data, which put me in an unexpected and awkward position in front of the board.
4. Let me play devil’s advocate for a moment.
The idea of devil’s advocate comes from the formal 16th-century role established by the Catholic Church to argue against the canonization of a proposed saint. The practice was intended to ensure that opposing views were considered in sainthood decisions. Over the years, I’ve seen that those who are reticent about confrontation, particularly in groups, find this oblique approach to disagreeing more palatable.
What it might sound like in practice: If I were to play devil’s advocate for a minute, I’d say that you asking questions wasn’t really the problem for me, it was the way you asked them. Your tone and body language suggested to the board that you were skeptical.
5. What’s holding my attention is…
When you find your mind repeatedly turns to a certain moment in a disagreement, it’s a hint that something happened then that matters deeply to you. This phrase helps you zoom in on what matters without assigning blame.
What it might sound like in practice: As we talk, I’m realizing that what’s holding my attention about what happened is feeling undermined in front of the board.
My long experience has taught me to resolve conflict by raising the issues before I or others burn their boats.
ALISTAIR GRANT