13 essential questions to ask yourself before confronting someone about a problem you have with them.
I offer the following questions to help you decide whether or not you wish to confront someone about a problem you’re experiencing with them. Use them for your own situations in a professional or personal setting, or use them to coach others.
1. What is the problem I’m trying to solve?
Begin by elucidating the problem you’re facing. Hone your answer until you’ve distilled the problem to its important essence. It’s more powerful if you can frame the problem in a way that speaks to you both.
2. How has this affected me?
What has your experience been as a result of this problem? It’s more powerful to talk about your experience than your opinion.
3. What do I want to achieve by confronting them about it?
Consider writing out your answer, setting it aside, and returning to it later. This can help you look more deeply at this essential question. What are you hoping to accomplish? Why is that important to you?
4. Does it need to be said? By me? Now?
Comedian Craig Ferguson famously joked that it took him three marriages to learn the importance of these three questions.
5. How can I engage them in addressing this problem?
Consider how you can make this a conversation they want to have with you and are willing to stay in with you. Write down the language you would use when you tell them you want to talk, then step back. Does the way you’ve framed it help make this a conversation they’ll engage?
6. Are there other alternatives for solving the problem?
Sometimes, there are better options than confronting someone about the problem (see, for example, the Couch Story). If you end up pursuing the conversation with them, knowing your options can help you be more relaxed and centered in the conversation.
7. What is the story that I’ve formed in my head about the problem? About them?
We naturally construct stories to help us explain and navigate problems. The problem doesn’t come from constructing stories; it comes from thinking of them as facts instead of stories. Take a close look at the story you’ve formed: Where is it factual (as in, anyone watching the video would see it your way)? Where is it your interpretation?
8. What else could this be?
One of the trickiest moments in any conversation is that moment when we think we know—we know why somebody did something, know what’s really going on, know their problem. What reasonable options could also explain their behavior, decisions, or actions?
9. How would my story change if I told it to a neutral person who thinks highly both of me and the person I want to confront??
Or tell it to yourself in the third person or to a rubber duck? These approaches sound goofy, but they will help you highlight what’s important and strip away the judgmental, diagnostic, or punitive elements that can tangle your decision about whether or not to confront.
10. How have I contributed to the problem?
Don’t let yourself off easy (“I contributed because I’m too nice,” or “I’m too patient with people like that,” etc.). Hold yourself to the same high standard you believe they should meet.
11. Which of my conflict hooks might get snagged in this conversation?
A conflict hook is a part of your identity that can cause you to be more emotionally reactive than you’d like. If you decide to confront them, how can you keep or regain your center?
12. As I anticipate the possible conversation, am I catastrophizing?
Runaway thoughts and catastrophizing can cause you to avoid a problem that merits attention. What fears are influencing your decision about confronting?
13. How will I feel if I achieve what I outlined in Question 1?
It’s a good idea to balance any catastrophizing with equal consideration about things going well.