Melanie, a former mediation student of mine, found herself in bumper-to-bumper traffic during afternoon drive time. She was waiting at a stoplight in the right lane of a two-lane road with one car ahead of her. When the light turned green, Melanie’s lane would take her right onto the interstate.
The light turned green, and the heavy traffic in the left lane surged ahead, but the right lane didn’t budge. The car ahead of Melanie had now turned on its left directional, signaling a desire to move into the left lane. That car was preventing everyone in the right lane from getting on the interstate.
A horn honked. Then another. Then more. The light turned red again, then green again, and still, the car sat there, trying unsuccessfully to get into the left lane. More horns joined the cacophony.
The light turned red again. Frustrated, Melanie got out of her car.
When she told the story, Melanie said she intended to yell at the woman to get moving. But something happened on her way to the other driver’s window.
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A voice in her head said, Don’t yell at that poor woman.
Melanie tapped on the window and said to the woman, Quick — how can I help?
The woman looked panicked. I don’t want to get onto the interstate! I’ll get more lost! I need to get in that other lane, but no one will let me in!
Melanie said, Ok, get on the interstate. I’ll pass you and lead you off the next exit, which will come very soon, and then I’ll lead you back to here. You’ll be headed in the direction you want when you get off.
The woman thanked her profusely, and Melanie ran back to her car. Everything went smoothly from there. Melanie felt pretty darn good about how she’d handled it, as well she should.
What happened to Melanie in those few seconds as she ran toward the car ahead of her? What changed the message in her head from an aggressive Get moving! to a constructive How can I help?
When we face a choice point — a moment when we can default to the usual reaction or consciously choose to align our behavior with values — how do we cue the reaction we’ll feel better about later
When Melanie told her story in class one day, I asked her what she thought prompted the shift in her reaction. After all, she was frustrated when she got out of her car, the horn-honkers behind her added social pressure, and the light about to turn green again added time pressure. It wasn’t the kind of moment destined to bring out her best.
We talked it over as a class, and Melanie identified these factors as the ones that most drove her choice in the moment:
- She had been studying mediation intensively for nearly a year and was strongly committed to ” walking the talk.” She didn’t always get it right (who does?) and continued fine-tuning her efforts.
- She’d learned techniques to interrupt the steady march of increased frustration (there are many!)
- She had many opportunities during her classes to practice leading with curiosity instead of judgment. This was an attitude shift that she had seen, time and again, could help transform difficult conversations.
- She’d practiced being curious in numerous low-stakes moments outside of class, gradually building her emotional muscle memory for a new habit and, ultimately, unconscious competence.
What about you? What factors have contributed to your success in choice-point moments like this and how can you create more of those conditions?