How to recognize deflection in the heat of the moment and respond in ways that keep things calm, clear, and on track.
I’m sitting at the mediation table with six members of a workplace team. They’ve hit a rough patch that’s endured for nearly a year, and the office atmosphere is tense. Work isn’t getting done; everyone is falling behind.
As we talk, it increasingly appears that one team member is at the center of things. Projects land on her desk and seem to get stuck there. She is slow to adopt new technologies that the rest of the team is already using, causing bottlenecks. She takes a lot of breaks and isn’t available to answer questions.
After several examples like this come up, she suddenly bursts into tears, gets up, and leaves the room. Everyone falls silent. Just as I’m about to go check on her, she returns, dabbing at her eyes. She apologizes and says she’s ready to go on. Someone speaks, steering the conversation away from the subject. I gently bring it back. The woman begins to cry again, gets up, and leaves the room.
Four of them look at their laps. One rolls her eyes. The next time the woman departs for the hallway, I ask the others, “Is this what happens when you try to raise these problems with her?” “Yes,” says one. “She’s so nice, and we really don’t want to make her feel bad. She cries like this a lot.”
I go out into the hallway and stand with the woman while she blows her nose and wipes away the tears. “How are you doing?” I ask. “This is hard,” she replies. “Yes,” I say, “I can see that it is. I notice that every time we approach your role in what’s happening that you start to cry and leave the room.” “I’m sorry,” she sniffles.
I say, “When you start to cry, the others feel bad and pull back from discussing what’s on their minds. It sounds like this happens at the office, too.” She’s silent. I say, “I can see how this pattern takes the pressure off you and could feel like a relief. But is it really?”
“What do you mean?” she asks. “Well,” I say, “it seems like it just prolongs the problem. How are you imagining the issues will get addressed in a way that includes you if you can’t discuss them here today?”
We return to the meeting room. There’s a sniffle here and there, but no more tears or room departures.
What is deflection?
Deflection is a defense mechanism in which someone redirects criticism, blame, or attention away from themselves.
Deflection is different from denial, gaslighting, and stonewalling. Someone who deflects isn’t refusing to acknowledge the problem’s existence; they’re steering the conversation away from it.
People deflect for a host of ordinary human reasons: We’re experiencing uncomfortable emotions. We’re defending ourselves from vulnerability. We’re trying to regain control of a conversation that feels like it’s spinning away from us. We feel cornered. We want to preserve our self-image. We feel unfairly criticized. We need to protect our job.
Deflection in disagreements is frustrating because it derails honest communication and sidetracks the conversation. Chronic deflection can undermine trust and, over time, can damage the relationship because deflection prevents problems from getting fully addressed.
What does deflection sound like?
Here are some of the classic types of deflection that I see in disagreements and conflict:
- Counter-accusations: “Well, you started it.” “I only did X because you did Y.”
- Counter-attacks: “Just back off!” “Be careful what you’re starting here.”
- Whataboutism: “What about your own behavior?” “What about their contribution?”
- Defensive rationalization (often in the form of rhetorical questions): “Well what was I supposed to say?”
- Excavating past grievances: “Just last week you did X…”
- Answering questions with questions: “You think you’re so perfect?”
- Downplaying or dismissing: “You’re overreacting.” “Stop making such a big deal out of it.”
- Diluting responsibility via plural pronouns: “We all make mistakes.”
- Strong emotional reaction: Tears or anger that feels over-the-top for the circumstances; often not deliberate as much as habitual or the result of emotional flooding.
- Playing the victim: “Stop blaming me because you’re in a bad mood.”
- Dodging commitment: “Well, I can try.” “Let’s see what happens.”
How to handle deflection without escalating the argument
These are some of my go-to approaches for handling deflection, along with short conversational scripts to illustrate each.
Set the tone
- Acknowledge and validate: “I know I’m raising a difficult topic.” “I know this isn’t the ideal time to raise this, but it’s crucial we address it now.”
- Skip the labels: Instead of “You’re deflecting again,” use language like, “I’m raising this because it’s important to me that we talk about it.”
- Demonstrate self-awareness: If you came in hot or did something that could have contributed to their defensiveness, acknowledge it. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have backed you into a corner.”
- Say what you see: “Here’s what I’m noticing…here’s what I’m wondering…“
Choose the focus
- Preserve the original: Treat the original topic as the reference point and keep returning to it, calmly: “Let’s stay with the original issue.” “I understand your frustration that they complained to me instead of you. Let’s focus on what happened.”
- Skip the chase: Don’t chase every diversion. Proceed as though you didn’t even hear it. Use this tactic only for initial deflections; if they continue, choose another approach.
- Bracket: Bracketing is temporarily setting aside one thing to focus on another (put it in brackets), with the understanding that the set-aside matter will be returned to later. “That’s a fair point. Once we address X, we can come back to address Y.”
- Follow the detour: Essentially, bracket in reverse: “Ok, let’s discuss Y. Then I want to return to X.”
- Let them pick: “Sure, we can talk about that too. Which would you like to address first, X or Y?”
- Reframe: Rename the problem to incorporate the point they made in their deflection. “To me, this is about how you asked me to calm down. To you, it’s about me raising my voice. It seems to me we both want to figure out how to keep our meetings respectful and calm.”
Talk about the pattern
- Go meta: Meta-conversation, that is. Have a conversation about the conversation. If deflection seems habitual or you’re concerned it’s getting chronic, address it in a conversation separate from any specific problem or issue.
Over to you
- Is there someone in your life who tends to deflect? What does their deflection usually sound like, and how does it affect you? What approach could you try with them next time?
- When someone raises a concern with you, do you ever deflect? What do you think drives that particular response?
- Recall a time when you (or they) successfully stayed with a difficult conversation instead of deflecting. What made that possible?