• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Tammy Lenski

Conflict resolution for business, team, and personal relationships

  • Hello
  • Books
  • Tools
  • Archives
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

When good conflict resolution skills steer you wrong

9 December 2015 by Tammy Lenski

Better conflict resolution skills alone will only get you so far. How you use them is what makes the real difference. One of my mediation grad students had an epiphany about this in the midst of an argument with her husband.

"The more I did my mediator stuff, the angrier my husband seemed to get." - Kate

My Interpersonal Conflict Resolution class was just getting underway when Kate, very animated as she walked in, raised her hand. “Can I tell a quick story about something that happened to me this morning? I promise it’s relevant to class.”

Kate had an argument with her husband that morning, just before she left for campus. It was about something minor. Kate decided it was an excellent opportunity to put to use the fantastic conflict resolution and mediation skills she was learning.

“I did all the right things,” Kate went on. “I reflected back. I asked good questions. I uncovered interests. I reframed. I was so proud of myself!”

But there was a little problem. The argument was getting worse.

“The more I did my mediator stuff, the angrier my husband seemed to get. At first I thought he was just reacting pettily because it was clear that I was handling myself so much better than he was handling himself.”

But it turns out that wasn’t it at all.

This was the reason:

“I was putting my good skills to use for evil purpose!” Kate told us. The classroom erupted in laughter.

“I was using my good conflict resolution skills, but I was using them with the intent to make him see it my way. And I was doing it pretty successfully. The more I backed my husband into the corner, the harder he worked to get out, the angrier he got, and the more downhill the conversation went.”

It was one of those proverbial lightbulb moments. “That’s when I finally really got it. Good conflict resolution skills become great conflict resolution skills when they’re used with the right intention.”

  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Conflict resolution skills and strategies

Footer

Disagree better

Get The Disagree Better Guide + free road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox monthly

We use cookies to improve your browsing experience. We like to eat them, too. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use. Find out more here: Cookie Policy

Uncopyright   ·   Site policies   ·   Search

image of the email series

7 ways to disagree better today

Seven proven practices you can use immediately. One a day for a week + monthly road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox. No spam, unsubscribe anytime.

Click to see the next question. Questions load randomly. Some have links for a deeper dive.

What else could this be?
What would love do now?
Who do I want to be?
Why am I this angry?
A week from now, will this have mattered?
It's real but is it true?
How has this affected me?
What is the next right thing?
Am I being seen? Am I seeing?
What is the wish behind the criticism?
What's the most important thing?
What is the problem WE are trying to solve here?
What's holding my attention?

QueryCards ©2021 Myiaccord LLC. All rights reserved.

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.