Very few disagreements require a mediator. But many would benefit from a discussion framework that keeps bickering at bay and helps you bring your best thinking to the conversation. When there’s no mediator in your office or living room with you, here’s what to do.
Set yourselves up for success
- You’ll need 15 minutes (maybe less). Try not to give it much more.
- For this to work, you must not talk when it’s the other person’s turn. Must. Not. Talk.
- When it is your turn to talk, focus your air time on answering the question listed.
- There’s plenty of time for discussion when you’re done. Being quiet when it’s not your turn to speak during this exercise is the equivalent of about .000041% of an average lifespan. You can do it.
The 15-minute self-mediation exercise
- Person A: In one concise sentence, what is the problem you want to solve?
- Person B: Do you want to solve that problem? If so, continue on to 3. If not, what is the problem you want to solve? Keep taking turns naming the problem until you can both agree on the problem that merits your joint attention.
- Person B: For a solution to be viable to you, what essential needs of yours must it address?
- Person A: For a solution to be viable to you, what essential needs of yours must it address?
- Persons A and B: Without discussion, take 1 minute to consider solutions that meet both sets of essential needs as much as possible.
- Person A: List your ideas for solving the problem you agreed to solve together and meeting both your essential needs.
- Person B: List your ideas for solving the problem you agreed to solve together and meeting both your essential needs.
- Person B: Pick one idea from either list that you’d like to pursue.
- Person A: Pick one idea from either list that you’d like to pursue.
- Persons A and B: Discuss each idea (or, if you agree on a single idea, discuss that). How does it help you? What might not work and why? How can you test out the idea in daily life?
Print it out and put it on the bulletin board or fridge so it’s handy when you need it. I’ve made it all pretty for you: Lenski 15-Minute Self-mediation