How to lower the volume without fuss or drama and get the conversation back on track.
When I was a freshly minted college graduate, I briefly took a job in the marketing department of a real estate firm that built luxury homes for international buyers. They needed someone who could figure out how to put their expensive new computer system to good use.
On my second day, the CEO summoned the entire marketing department to his office. We trooped in and sat down. The CEO, a rather diminutive man with a long beard, climbed up on his desk, stamped his feet like a child in a temper tantrum, and unleashed a tirade.
I had never seen anything like it. It hadn’t even occurred to me that someone might act like that at work. He looked like Rumpelstiltskin in meltdown mode.
When the CEO paused to take a breath, the vice president of marketing said pleasantly, “Karl, come on down here so we can hear you better.” The CEO climbed down and glowered at us from his desk. He didn’t yell again, though. At that meeting, anyway.
There are so many reasons people raise their voice: Frustration. Fury. Demonstration of power. Habit. Desperation to be heard.
Some of us have higher tolerance for big volume than others, but few of us want yelling to persist. It’s overwhelming. It makes it hard to function. It feels lousy and wrong.
Here are five useful phrases to help them lower the volume. Use all or just the ones that feel right to you. I pull these from my own conflict resolution toolbox when I first notice the loudness level increasing. I want to interrupt the trajectory before the conversation derails.
1. You’ve got my attention.
This is about acknowledging the howl. Whether you’re cowed by the clamor or irritated they dare talk to you this way, dig deep and do a favor for both of you. They want your attention, even if the way they’re doing it is ill-chosen. Keep your eyes on your goal: To not be yelled toward and to sustain a productive conversation.
2. I can’t hear you when you raise your voice.
This is about helping them see that what they most want — to be heard — isn’t going to be realized by these means. An absurd phrase like this introduces an element of surprise and can interrupt their flow.
3. What would help me hear you better is…
This is about speaking directly to their interest in being heard. You’re telling them gently but firmly that you want to listen to them but their delivery is getting in the way. And you’re telling them exactly what they can do to keep your attention and involvement.
4. What I’m wondering is…
This is about redirecting their energy. This phrase is the Swiss Army Knife of good conflict management expressions because it helps move the conversation in a more productive direction without feeling overtly confrontational.
5. …and if I’m somehow contributing…
This is about acknowledging you may have contributed to the escalation inadvertently. You’re signaling that conversation adjustments can go both ways. Note that there’s a difference between contribution and fault. You can make things better by the way you interact with them and you can unwittingly make things worse, too. Don’t get into a tug-of-war about this (No I’m not! Yes you are!) They’ll give you information and you can decide what you want to do with it.
What it might sound like put together:
Ok, you have my attention. I can’t really hear you when you speak so loudly, though, because it overwhelms me. I’ll hear you better if you lower your voice and slow down a bit because then I can process what you’re saying. I’m wondering two things: What you most want me to understand and if there’s anything you’d like me to change about my participation in this conversation.
A few tips:
- Safety first. If someone is shouting and you have reason to believe you are in danger, do what you must to get somewhere safe. If they are so emotionally hijacked that you fear violence, trying to de-escalate the conversation should be left for another time or place.
- They may need a moment. It’s ok, even beneficial, to take a break. Offer the opportunity but don’t impose it. Aim to convey you’re making a thoughtful gesture, not punishing their behavior.
- Tone matters. As always. If your attitude drips with judgment, no words will be brilliant enough. Take your own moment to recalibrate.
- Don’t try to talk over them if they’re on a roll. That can escalate things further. Try to catch them when they take a breath by saying, calmly and firmly, their name, like the VP in my story.
Bonus phrases for mediators
If you sit in the mediator’s chair, either formally or informally, here are some additional ideas for high-heat moments:
- It’s clear there’s something important that you want to be heard and understood. Pause for a moment and then tell us what it is.
- Shouting can shut people down and then it’s hard to have a really productive conversation. How can I help you avoid raising your voice? (Use this one in a private aside.)
Over to you
Here are some reflection / journaling / conversation prompts to help you bridge the gap between reading and doing:
- How might you adjust the phrasing examples above so they sound right coming out of your own mouth? Try each phrase on your tongue and experiment until it feels right.
- Think of a situation where someone was yelling in your presence. Now put a complete paragraph together using the above ideas, as though you are still in the conversation. How did it sound and feel to you? What would you modify?
- Phrase 5 is one that often generates the most debate in my workshops because most people struggle with the difference between blame/fault and contribution. What is your reaction to the idea?
- In the tips I said, “Safety first.” What tells you that you could be in danger in an escalated conversation — what are the actions, words, tones and volume you watch for?