• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Tammy Lenski

Conflict resolution for business, team, and personal relationships

  • Hello
  • Books
  • Tools
  • Archives
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

Just be reasonable

21 April 2015 by Tammy Lenski

When a person is very angry, asking or telling them to be reasonable is doomed to fail — here’s why and what to do instead.

When a person is very angry, the part of their brain associated with being reasonable and articulating reasonable thoughts more or less shuts down. Closed for business. Sign on the door — go away, can’t do this right now.

Yet in the midst of an argument, we still think to ourselves (or even say out loud), “Just be reasonable, can’t you?” Or maybe they say it to us. In a mediation, we may still want to say to a client, “Why can’t you be reasonable?” Or, more judgmentally, as one frustrated mediator put it to me recently, “Why can’t they just put their big boy pants on?”

When someone is choking on a piece of food, we don’t say to them, “Why won’t you finish your sentence?” or “Why can’t you stop that, it’s annoying me.” It would be absurd to expect they could comply with our wishes at that moment.

In the same way, we would be smart to stop expecting someone hijacked by anger to comply with our wishes in that very moment. When the Broca’s area of their brain shuts down during deep upset, they cannot access their reasonableness immediately just because you want them to — or even because they want to (and believe me, they do).

When someone is angry, we can’t just reason them back into reasonableness. The path back to reason isn’t sheer will nor will it have instantaneous results.

The path back usually involves a bit of time and specific actions to calm down. We can help this happen or we can hinder it.

If we are part of the disagreement, and we keep pushing or judging or talking talking talking, we are hindering. We must stop up, take a break (no, don’t blame it on them, just say, “I need a bathroom break”), and give them time and opportunity to calm down. Depending on the person, situation, and what they do in that time, this will usually take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour or more. Don’t rush it.

If we are the angry person whose Broca’s region is temporarily closed for business, we must shut ourselves up, find a way to get a break, and calm ourselves (some ideas: here and here and here and here).

If we are the mediator, we must help them do the right things to calm down and find ways to stop the things that are feeding the anger.

  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Footer

Disagree better

Get The Disagree Better Guide + free road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox monthly

We use cookies to improve your browsing experience. We like to eat them, too. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use. Find out more here: Cookie Policy

Uncopyright   ·   Site policies   ·   Search

image of the email series

7 ways to disagree better today

Seven proven practices you can use immediately. One a day for a week + monthly road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox. No spam, unsubscribe anytime.

Click to see the next question. Questions load randomly. Some have links for a deeper dive.

What's the most important thing?
It's real but is it true?
What would love do now?
Why am I this angry?
Who do I want to be?
What is the problem WE are trying to solve here?
What else could this be?
What is the next right thing?
What is the wish behind the criticism?
How has this affected me?
What's holding my attention?
Am I being seen? Am I seeing?
A week from now, will this have mattered?

QueryCards ©2021 Myiaccord LLC. All rights reserved.

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.