• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Tammy Lenski

Conflict resolution for business, team, and personal relationships

  • Hello
  • Books
  • Courses
  • Archives
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

How to politely stop long-winded talkers

26 March 2019 by Tammy Lenski

When we listen well, sometimes others hog air time and just keep talking. It’s an inadvertent, and often unwelcome, side effect of good listening. Here’s a way I like to handle long-winded talkers that’s both effective and kind.

Interrupt long-winded talkers
Photo by Evangeline Shaw on Unsplash
Apple podcasts
google podcasts
spotify

A reader wrote, “I’ve been told I need to be a better listener. But when I do listen, sometimes people just go on and on. At what point do I get to be the one to talk when the other person doesn’t know when to shut up?”

That’s a fair question. Sometimes people do go on and on once they’ve got the floor. It can feel pretty overwhelming.

It looks like they’re being unaware or, worse, selfish. Maybe it’s tempting to conclude they can’t self-regulate. That’s probably true occasionally, but more often, the gift of good listening just has such a deep impact on people.

I see this in my work all the time. When a person finally feels like someone is really listening, it’s akin to the sluice gates of a dam being opened after a heavy rainfall. The things they’ve been waiting to say, wanting to say, but have not been fully given the chance to say, finally get their due. They come out in a flood after being held back for so long and it can take a while for everything to return to normal levels.

I try not to fault someone for this. Conflict has a way of bottling up people. Deep listening is a gift too few of us receive and when we do get it, we want never to let it go.

Not listening is the ultimate insult. It says that what they have to say is unimportant. - Michael Aloi, U.S. Magistrate Judge

I find that assuming the behavior has benign roots and taking harsh diagnosis out of it make me less frustrated by it. It is so much more soothing (not to mention effective) to notice the equal human in front of me than to sit in judgment.

So it’s useful to begin with the internal work of adjusting our thinking about the experience. Then, we turn to the external work — what we will say or do. I’m a big fan of transparency for situations like this.

Transparency is the non-judgmental sharing of one’s experience or thoughts, offered as an observation that may be helpful.

It might sound something like this: You’re sharing so much that I’m struggling to take it all in. I’m afraid I’m going to miss something important.

Or maybe like this: I’m having a tough time absorbing everything you’re saying. Can we do this in smaller chunks?

Of course, there’s helpful transparency and harmful transparency.

Harmful transparency makes the argument immediately worse by failing to weed out the judgmental noise: Sarcasm, biting words, pointing out their flaws and selfishness, diagnosis of their frailties, and so on. It’s damaging for relationships.

Helpful transparency is the sharing of one’s experience minus all that noise. It’s intention is to convey, Hey, here’s what I’m noticing right now, what do you think about that?

When I’m feeling overwhelmed by a flood of words that shows no sign of abating, I like to use transparency because it communicates that I care and am interested, signals that I need help if I’m going to continue listening, and invites them to play a role in getting their own interests met.

I’ve had good success with it.

  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Effective communication, The space between

Footer

Disagree better

Get The Disagree Better Guide + free road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox monthly

Uncopyright   ·   Site policies   ·   Search

Forgive the intrusion...
We use cookies to improve your browsing experience.
We like to eat them, too. Read the policy here.
I ACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non-necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

Click to see the next question. Questions load randomly. Some have links for a deeper dive.

How has this affected me?
What's holding my attention?
What else could this be?
What would love do now?
Who do I want to be?
What's the most important thing?
What is the next right thing?
A week from now, will this have mattered?
It's real but is it true?
Why am I this angry?
Am I being seen? Am I seeing?
What is the wish behind the criticism?
What is the problem WE are trying to solve here?

QueryCards ©2021 Myiaccord LLC. All rights reserved.

image of the email series

7 ways to disagree better today

Seven proven practices you can use immediately. One a day for a week + monthly road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox. No spam, unsubscribe anytime.

This companion download for the book is free — along with a free subscription to my monthly conflict resolution tools — when you register. Register just once to get full access to all downloads in my Resource Library:

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.
loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.