• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Tammy Lenski

Conflict resolution for business, team, and personal relationships

  • Hello
  • Books
  • Tools
  • Archives
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

How to say no persuasively

31 January 2017 by Tammy Lenski

Being able to say no is essential for good day-to-day negotiating. Yet it can evoke anxiety about appearing obstructive, unkind, or unhelpful. If you want a way to keep yourself from saying yes when you really do need to say no, pack this research-supported technique in your toolkit.

During a meeting, a friend said, “I’m looking for a volunteer to create the registration form. I don’t do forms.”

The statement was clear and decisive. She said it with a little laugh, not rudely or unkindly. No one questioned that she doesn’t “do forms,” even though it struck me as a slightly odd statement at the time. She’d actually thought out that she doesn’t “do forms”?

It turns out she was onto something.

if-you-cant-say-no

A series of studies reported in the Journal of Consumer Research found that responding to temptation with the words “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” helps set us up for success.

For instance, “I don’t skip exercise” helps resist temptation better than “I can’t skip exercise.” In one of the studies, women who were working toward a specific health or fitness goal were encouraged to use either “I don’t” or “I can’t” language when they were tempted to lapse. Of the women prompted to use “I can’t,” only ten percent lasted through the study without lapsing. But 80 percent of the women who used “I don’t” were still persevering toward their goal at the study’s end.

The researchers surmised that “I don’t” invokes a stable, unchanging internal state, which makes it more empowering than “I can’t,” which invokes a focus on external impediments and implies wiggle room if the circumstances change.

Wrote the researchers,

This insight is based on the notion that saying “I can’t” to temptation inherently signals deprivation and the loss from giving up something desirable. For instance, when faced with a tempting slice of pumpkin pie, one’s spontaneous response, ‘I can’t eat pumpkin pie’ signals deprivation. Saying ‘I don’t eat pumpkin pie’ is more effective.

Though not a focus of the study, it’s hard to miss how much more persuasive “I don’t” is than “I can’t” when used aloud with others.

Had my friend said, “I can’t do the registration form,” it seems entirely possible that the conversation would have veered down a side street about why she can’t, how someone could help her, software choices, blah blah blah).

Instead, “I don’t do forms” put a clear line in the sand and we immediately found someone else to do it. No side streets, no kerfuffle, no drama, and no impression that she was being disagreeable.

Her language choice persuaded us that she had clarity about this little decision and we then directed our energy where it mattered.

As I once heard Peter Block (author of the best consulting book ever) say in an interview, “If you can’t say no, your yes is hollow.” Getting to yes is a worthy goal when we’re negotiating at work and home, and to get there may well require some decisive no’s along the way.

Disclosure: One link in this post is an Amazon affiliate links, which means I receive a few dimes from Amazon if you buy the book (at no extra cost to you). And, of course, I just turn around and spend those dimes on…more books. Which then inform my writing here, for you. It’s a beautiful cycle.
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Effective communication, The space between

Footer

Disagree better

Get The Disagree Better Guide + free road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox monthly

We use cookies to improve your browsing experience. We like to eat them, too. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use. Find out more here: Cookie Policy

Uncopyright   ·   Site policies   ·   Search

image of the email series

7 ways to disagree better today

Seven proven practices you can use immediately. One a day for a week + monthly road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox. No spam, unsubscribe anytime.

Click to see the next question. Questions load randomly. Some have links for a deeper dive.

What's holding my attention?
A week from now, will this have mattered?
Am I being seen? Am I seeing?
It's real but is it true?
What is the problem WE are trying to solve here?
What is the next right thing?
What is the wish behind the criticism?
What's the most important thing?
Who do I want to be?
What would love do now?
How has this affected me?
What else could this be?
Why am I this angry?

QueryCards ©2021 Myiaccord LLC. All rights reserved.

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.