Listening is an essential conflict resolution skill, but it’s hard to do when we’re at odds with someone. This little trick of the mind can help.
It’s Friday night, and you’re streaming one of the Star Wars films with a group of friends. You settle into your comfy sofa, a bowl of popcorn nearby, and the movie begins.
A little while later, Chewbacca appears on the screen.
Oh, good grief, you say to your friends. There’s no such thing as a Wookiee! What a ridiculous thing to expect us to believe.
You don’t do that, of course. You suspend your disbelief so that you can appreciate the movie and have a good time with friends.
Suspending your disbelief isn’t just useful for movie-watching. It’s useful during conflict, too.
Listening is considered an essential conflict resolution skill and habit because when we listen well, we learn and notice things vital to finding a path forward together. But deep and focused listening is hard when a disagreement feels raw and difficult.
That’s when a little trick of the mind can help. Rebecca Shafir, author of The Zen of Listening: Mindful Communication in the Age of Distraction
If we approach a listening opportunity with the same self-abandonment as we do at the movies, think of how much more we stand to gain from those encounters.
REBECCA SHAFIR
When we get into their movie, we are briefly suspending our disbelief. When we notice we’re struggling to listen well, we can silently remind ourselves to “get into their movie.”
The beauty of suspending our disbelief is that we’re not requiring ourselves to adopt their view. We’re just stepping into their movie for a little while. We’re instructing our mind to listen without judgment for a few minutes. We can decide later what, if any, of their movie helps bridge the gap between us.
As with adopting any new habit or trying out a new idea, practice in low-stakes situations to be better able to do it under stress. Practice at the dinner table when you can’t for the life of you understand why your teen thinks the way she does. Just say to yourself, “Get into her movie.” Practice over the phone when your mother-in-law tells you why you should vote for her favorite political candidate (the one you dislike). Get into her movie. Practice at the conference table when a colleague who mystifies you is going on and on about something. Get into their movie.
Try this, too: Share the phrase with others, then use it as a shorthand reminder to both or all of you to try listening better when discussions hit a rough patch.
This post was originally published in November 2015 and updated and expanded in 2023. One or more links in this post are Amazon affiliate links, which means I receive a few dimes from Amazon if you buy the book through them (at no extra cost to you). And, of course, I just turn around and spend those dimes on more books, which then inform my work and my writing for you. It’s a beautiful cycle.