• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
Tammy Lenski

Tammy Lenski

Disagree better | Tammy Lenski

  • Hello
  • Articles
  • Podcast
  • Books
  • Resources
  • Contact
  • Subscribe

Recognizing mental models

“Can” vs “how can” we resolve this?

TweetLinkedInFacebookPinEmail

What a difference a single word makes. When we’re in conflict, our own egos and the level of hope (or hopelessness) we feel can become obstacles to finding resolution. Sometimes, a simple reframing of a key question can help us overcome these obstacles.

I was reminded of this while listening to a public radio interview of Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer, who pointed out that “can” and “how can” are vastly different from one another. She said,

Many years ago, I talked about the difference between "can" and "how can." They seem so similar, but they’re vastly different. When you ask yourself how do you do something, you’re bypassing your ego in some sense. You’re just out there examining, fiddling with things trying to find the solution. If you ask yourself can you do it, then all you can appeal to is the past. - Ellen Langer

Think about the difference, for instance, between “Can you resolve this?” and “How can you resolve this?”

“Can you resolve this?” inquires about abilities, level of hope, capacities.

“How can you resolve this?” inquires about avenues to take, solutions, ideas. It neatly sidesteps ego and hopelessness and asks them, even for just a little while, to roll up their sleeves and explore.

TweetLinkedInFacebookPinEmail

Primary Sidebar

Footer

  • Safeguarding the space between
  • Fine-tuning communication
  • Maintaining composure
  • Recognizing mental models
  • Choosing good process
  • Site policies
  • Search
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Spotify
  • Mail

  • Safeguarding the space between
  • Fine-tuning communication
  • Maintaining composure
  • Recognizing mental models
  • Choosing good process
Share this ArticleLike this article? Email it to a friend!

Email sent!