You’ll be a better listener when you disagree with someone if you can first master better listening in your everyday conversations. Here’s a good place to start: Trade shift responses for support responses.
Author Celeste Headlee was sitting with a friend whose father had just died. The friend was very distraught, and Headlee empathized. She wanted her friend to know she wasn’t alone and that her intense grief was understandable. So she started talking about losing her own father in a submarine accident when she was nine and how she’d always mourned the loss.
The friend’s reaction stunned Headlee: “Okay, Celeste, you win. You never had a dad, and I at least got to spend 30 years with mine. You had it worse. I guess I shouldn’t be so upset that my dad just died.”
Headlee tried to correct her friend’s misunderstanding of her intentions. “No, no, no, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I just meant that I know how you feel.”
Before getting up and walking away, her friend snapped, “No, Celeste, you don’t. You have no idea how I feel.”
Despite her good intentions, Headlee had introduced a “conversational shift,” redirecting the focus of the conversation back to herself. And her friend didn’t mince words in conveying just how annoying conversational shifts can be.
Shift responses
Sociologist Charles Derber coined the term “conversational shift” to describe one of the ways we hijack someone else’s story and experience. He contrasts shift responses, which draw attention back to us, from support responses, which encourage the speaker to continue. Shift responses disrupt, while support responses build and sustain connection.
Disagreements and conflict are full of shift responses, making difficult conversations even more difficult. Some arguments sound like little more than a series of shift responses, leaving each participant feeling as unsupported and annoyed as Celeste Headlee’s friend.
Here’s what shift responses sound like in conflict:
Comment: I don’t have time to fix the mess you made of this!
Shift response: I’m busy too, you know!
Comment: I don’t want Ann to serve on the committee with us. I can’t trust she’ll follow through on things she promises.
Shift response: I had a co-worker a few years ago who let things slip, and I finally realized I had to sit him down and talk to him about it.
Comment: I’m sick to death of the constant bickering. I can’t say anything without some smart-ass retort from you.
Shift response: Me too! Do you know what this is probably doing to my high blood pressure?
It’s tempting to defend a shift response as a benign attempt to show them you understand how they feel. They say, “Gosh, I really need to catch up on my sleep,” and we say, “I know, right? I’m so tired that last night I fell asleep right in the middle of the movie Dee and I were watching!”
But this begs the question: Why do we need to talk about us in order to acknowledge them? Derber calls this habit “conversational narcissism.”
Support responses
Support responses make us better conversationalists, better able to draw out others instead of steering things back to me me me. Support responses encourage the speaker to continue their story, signaling our genuine interest in what they have to say.
Support responses hold the space.
Here’s what support responses sound like:
Comment: I don’t have time to fix the mess you made of this!
Support response: Since it’s so hectic right now, would it be better to figure this out later?
Comment: I don’t want Ann to serve on the committee with us. I can’t trust she’ll follow through on things she promises.
Support response: Why do you distrust her follow-through?
Comment: I’m sick to death of the constant bickering. I can’t say anything without some smart-ass retort from you.
Support response: Say more about how my replies seem like bickering.
A support response isn’t about agreeing with them — it’s about keeping our interest and curiosity on what they’re expressing instead of stealing their story and making it about us.
Support responses also have a bonus: When we focus on their story for a little longer, we learn something. In conflict situations, understanding them better is priceless.
Practice outside of conflict to do it well during conflict
Boxer Muhammad Ali famously quipped, “Champions are made in the gym, not in the ring.” It’s true for conflict resolution skills, too:
Practice in low-stakes moments and you have a much better chance of doing it well in high-stakes moments.
If you’re a chronic conversation shifter, the good news is that you’ll have daily opportunities to practice support responses. Many of your day-to-day conversations with co-workers and loved ones will present the chance to practice support responses. Pay attention and start there.
