• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Tammy Lenski

Conflict resolution for business, team, and personal relationships

  • Hello
  • Books
  • Tools
  • Archives
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

How to backpedal after saying the wrong thing

27 February 2018 by Tammy Lenski

When words come out of your mouth that you instantly regret, here are some ways to recover from your faux pas and minimize the impact of ill-chosen words.

The stress and fatigue of conflict can easily lead to trigger stacking, which in turn can lead to saying the wrong thing during an argument. This is true whether we’re in the argument ourselves or outside of it, trying to help others sort things out.

If your mouth sometimes runs ahead before your brain has a chance to catch up, like mine does when I’m Bad Tammy, it’s useful to backpedal immediately.

When you’ve said something mean

When anger steals your usual good judgment and composure, and you’ve lashed out by saying something mean, issue a mea culpa promptly and concisely:

  1. Apologize. Keep it sincere and brief, since dragging it out can actually make matters worse. It’ll show you’re self-aware enough to notice your mistake.
  2. Acknowledge that it was uncalled for. I call this the “olive branch step.” It’s what is known as a “repair bid,” a gesture requesting their forbearance while you attempt to set something right.
  3. Explain. Again, keep this brief. Just say what prompted your lapse in judgment — but be sure not to blame them for it. Only you control your own tongue.

When you’ve said something mean your mea culpa might sound something like…

I’m sorry, that was unfair. That was my anger speaking.

Or…

  • I’m sorry, that was a terrible thing to say, especially since I don’t even mean it. My anger got the best of me.
  • I’m sorry. That was just plain mean of me. I let my anger control my tongue.
dog in disguise
Photo credit: Braydon Anderson

When you’ve put your foot in your mouth

When you’ve said something without thinking (like the time I cursed at a mediation client) and it comes out shocking, ungraceful, or socially awkward, the same approach outlined above works well.

I also find humor very useful for mitigating the impact of my mindlessness.

Self-deprecating humor demonstrates your self-awareness and helps rebalance the social scales (it may help you manage anger better, too).
Link to the humor and anger research

When you’ve put your foot in your mouth your mea culpa might sound something like…

  • Boy, that sounded a lot better in my head than when it came out of my mouth. Let me try to put it the way I really intended…
  • Emily Post is rolling over in her grave right now. As she should be. Let me see if I can put two words together a bit better.
  • Yikes! If I were standing outside myself I’d slap me right now.
  • Gee whiz — and I talk with people for a living! Let me try that again.
  • A good fishing rod would be helpful right now! (Make the motion and sound of reeling in a fish.) What I was really trying to say was…
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Effective communication, The space between

Footer

Disagree better

Get The Disagree Better Guide + free road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox monthly

We use cookies to improve your browsing experience. We like to eat them, too. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use. Find out more here: Cookie Policy

Uncopyright   ·   Site policies   ·   Search

image of the email series

7 ways to disagree better today

Seven proven practices you can use immediately. One a day for a week + monthly road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox. No spam, unsubscribe anytime.

Click to see the next question. Questions load randomly. Some have links for a deeper dive.

It's real but is it true?
What is the wish behind the criticism?
How has this affected me?
What's holding my attention?
Am I being seen? Am I seeing?
What is the next right thing?
Who do I want to be?
What is the problem WE are trying to solve here?
Why am I this angry?
A week from now, will this have mattered?
What's the most important thing?
What would love do now?
What else could this be?

QueryCards ©2021 Myiaccord LLC. All rights reserved.

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.