• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Tammy Lenski

Conflict resolution for business, team, and personal relationships

  • Hello
  • Books
  • Courses
  • Archives
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

Your memory about what happened is probably wrong

16 February 2016 by Tammy Lenski

Memory doesn’t exist to help us perfectly recall things in our lives. It’s there to help us survive. And to do its job properly, memory must evolve. Here’s a quick recap of the ways memory is flawed and why arguing about the accuracy of memories is like running on a gerbil wheel and expecting to get somewhere new.

Though it’s been said for years that memory is like a video recording we can play back, it turns out the metaphor is flawed. Each time we recall a memory, we combine details we do remember with our expectations for what we should remember. The revised memory then gets stored, and it is that revised memory we recall next time. And so on.The longer the time between an event and its recollection, the greater the inaccuracy.

It would be more useful, then, to think of memory like a perpetually edited video that shares only some data with the original recording.

When something momentous happens, we often try to make meaning of it by talking to others and gauging their reactions, says Avril Thorne, a psychologist studying narrative memory at the University of California at Santa Cruz. The feedback we receive from their reactions then shapes our future memories of what transpired. The editing continues.

Vivid memories feel more accurate, but they aren’t more accurate. The strong, vivid recollection of very emotional memories, like the ones many of us in the United States have of 9/11, are just as likely to be inaccurate as ordinary memories are. I’ve had audience members chide me for being wrong about this and tell me I should be ashamed of myself for daring to question their vivid memory of 9/11.

We just don’t want to believe it; we believe those memories are more accurate because they feel so vivid. Our emotions affect how we think we remember, even if they do not affect how much we actually remember.

Dr. Joel Voss, professor of medical social sciences and neurology at Northwestern University, puts it this way: “Memory is designed to help us make good decisions in the moment and, therefore, memory has to stay up-to-date. The information that is relevant right now can overwrite what was there to begin with.”

Next time you find yourself arguing over who said what, who did what, why their recollection is wrong, or how you know for sure that your recall is absolutely right, I recommend you stop and do something else.

It is unknowable, it keeps you stuck, and odds are good your recollection is less accurate than it feels (and so is theirs).

  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Mental models in problem solving, The space between

Footer

Disagree better

Get The Disagree Better Guide + free road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox monthly

Uncopyright   ·   Site policies   ·   Search

Forgive the intrusion...
We use cookies to improve your browsing experience.
We like to eat them, too. Read the policy here.
I ACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non-necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

Click to see the next question. Questions load randomly. Some have links for a deeper dive.

What's holding my attention?
It's real but is it true?
How has this affected me?
What else could this be?
A week from now, will this have mattered?
Who do I want to be?
What would love do now?
What is the problem WE are trying to solve here?
What's the most important thing?
Am I being seen? Am I seeing?
Why am I this angry?
What is the next right thing?
What is the wish behind the criticism?

QueryCards ©2021 Myiaccord LLC. All rights reserved.

image of the email series

7 ways to disagree better today

Seven proven practices you can use immediately. One a day for a week + monthly road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox. No spam, unsubscribe anytime.

This companion download for the book is free — along with a free subscription to my monthly conflict resolution tools — when you register. Register just once to get full access to all downloads in my Resource Library:

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.
loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.