• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Tammy Lenski

Conflict resolution for business, team, and personal relationships

  • Hello
  • Books
  • Tools
  • Archives
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

When it seems trivial, pay close attention

19 December 2017 by Tammy Lenski

When you’re tempted to dismiss someone’s concerns as trivial, or roll your eyes at the things people find to fight over, it’s time to sit up straight and pay attention. Because you’re missing something…and it’s worth your while to figure out what.

Rooster
Image by Egor Myznik on Unsplash
Apple podcasts
google podcasts
spotify

Cindy June of Milton, New York, had a problem on her hands: Her rooster, Farnsworth, was waking the neighbors.

The town building inspector, who took readings of Farnsworth’s loud crows, said later, “This wasn’t one occurrence. Many neighbors complained.”

Unfortunately for Farnsworth, his crowing exceeded the town noise ordinance’s 55-decibel limit. And so the Milton Town Court ordered Farnsworth’s vocal cords be removed.

But bird specialists at Tufts and Cornell universities warned that such a procedure was too risky and recommended castration instead. Castration would lower Farnsworth’s testosterone and decrease his morning wake-up calls. June agreed to the castration in order to protect Farnsworth’s life.

This isn’t a story about the crazy things people find to argue about. It isn’t a story about wasting public funds or public officials’ time on ridiculous disputes. And it isn’t a story about how this conflict should never have gotten as far as court. Those are the typical stories we tell when we hear about something like this, but they miss the point.

It’s a story about understanding that when people fight about something, even when it seems ridiculous to us, there’s something in there that’s important to them.

Figuring out what that thing is, beneath what seems ridiculous to us, beneath the temptation to diagnose them as bananas, beneath the joke we want to aim in their direction, is worth our while.

Because when we do, we have the key to sorting it out.

You see, Farnsworth didn’t make it through the surgery, and that made the news. That’s how we know that Farnsworth was something more to Cindy June than just a rooster out in the yard.

In the faded Albany Times Union newspaper clipping I’ve read to countless mediation students over the years, June divulged that Farnsworth was a steady companion. He was house-trained and loved to watch television with her. She even kenneled him when she went away.

“He was my buddy,” she said. “It was just a stupid chicken but I’ve cried a river.”

Suggested reading

Anger management along a muddy road

What “shoulds” and “should nots” are you carrying and allowing to feed your anger?

Read the article
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Good problem-solving process, The space between

Footer

Disagree better

Get The Disagree Better Guide + free road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox monthly

We use cookies to improve your browsing experience. We like to eat them, too. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use. Find out more here: Cookie Policy

Uncopyright   ·   Site policies   ·   Search

image of the email series

7 ways to disagree better today

Seven proven practices you can use immediately. One a day for a week + monthly road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox. No spam, unsubscribe anytime.

Click to see the next question. Questions load randomly. Some have links for a deeper dive.

A week from now, will this have mattered?
Why am I this angry?
What would love do now?
What's holding my attention?
What else could this be?
What is the problem WE are trying to solve here?
How has this affected me?
Who do I want to be?
What is the next right thing?
What's the most important thing?
It's real but is it true?
What is the wish behind the criticism?
Am I being seen? Am I seeing?

QueryCards ©2021 Myiaccord LLC. All rights reserved.

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.