Effective questions are as much about attitude as they are about word choice. Even poorly phrased questions can be reprieved when asked from an attitude of curiosity and interest instead of an attitude of judgment or doubt.
Last week, while facilitating a retreat, one member of the group I was working with made this really smart observation:
I think there’s a difference between asking questions and questioning. When I have a questioning attitude, I’m really expressing disbelief, doubt or skepticism about something. When I’m asking questions, I’m expressing interest, curiosity, and wanting to learn.
Let’s bring her wise remark to life. Imagine that you disagree with a colleague about a decision they made. You’re suspicious of their motives. Ask the following question out loud as you read this, in the way you might ask it if you’re expressing disdain, skepticism or distrust:
Why did you decide to do it that way?
Now imagine someone whose motivations you don’t doubt and whose judgment you almost always find on the mark. Imagine they’ve made a decision you disagree and you’re curious about their thinking. Ask the following question out loud, in the way you might ask it if you’re expressing curiosity or a desire to learn:
Why did you decide to do it that way?
Same question, different attitude. What words you emphasize, the tone you use, and perhaps even your facial expression and body language are all influenced by your attitude. The listener hears it differently, too, and their response will, in turn, be influenced by the intention they perceived in your question.
