“Our memories are not designed to provide a truthful readout of the events of our lives. Memory is designed to help us act in the future.”
I read this quote in a Psychology Today article about how observing actions influences our memory of those actions. It sums up beautifully the way we can use and misuse our memory of a conflict conversation.
Stop thinking of your memory as an accurate readout of what happened in the conflict – using memory this way is a sure way to get you more stuck (see my articles here and here and here for reasons why). Short of a recording of the conflict conversation you remember, the “truth” and “what really happened” are unknowable – your truth is the narrative your mind created from the experience.
Instead, use your memories of the conflict to create a different future. That’s where the power is. That’s where the relief is.