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Tammy Lenski

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Don’t waste time on what really happened…it’s unknowable

17 November 2010 by Tammy Lenski

“Our memories are not designed to provide a truthful readout of the events of our lives. Memory is designed to help us act in the future.”

I read this quote in a Psychology Today article about how observing actions influences our memory of those actions. It sums up beautifully the way we can use and misuse our memory of a conflict conversation.

Stop thinking of your memory as an accurate readout of what happened in the conflict – using memory this way is a sure way to get you more stuck (see my articles here and here and here for reasons why). Short of a recording of the conflict conversation you remember, the “truth” and “what really happened” are unknowable – your truth is the narrative your mind created from the experience.

Instead, use your memories of the conflict to create a different future. That’s where the power is. That’s where the relief is.

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Filed Under: Good problem-solving process

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Click to see the next question. Questions load randomly. Some have links for a deeper dive.

What's holding my attention?
Am I being seen? Am I seeing?
What's the most important thing?
Why am I this angry?
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Who do I want to be?
What is the wish behind the criticism?
A week from now, will this have mattered?
What would love do now?
It's real but is it true?
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What else could this be?

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