It matters how we convey our message and name (“frame”) the problem we want to solve. Do it well and we change the conversation for the better. Here are reframe examples from my occasional Twitter series. Please be patient for a few seconds while the embedded tweets load:
Reframe: "Why can't you ever take responsibility?" –> "I'd like us each to acknowledge how we contributed to this." #DisagreeBetter pic.twitter.com/lz20ijS0we
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) July 28, 2020
Reframe: "You never listen!" –> "When I'm talking to you, is there something that would help get my message across better?" #DisagreeBetter pic.twitter.com/1lEQwN6JYs
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) July 9, 2020
Reframe: "All I hear from you is what I'm doing wrong all the time!" –> "It's disheartening to hear how much I do wrong and not much about what I do right." #DisagreeBetter pic.twitter.com/EoTbAUPN5i
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) July 9, 2020
Counter-intuitive reframe to reduce yelling: "Don't raise your voice at me!" –> "Hang on, I missed something important. Tell me again." #TheSpaceBetween pic.twitter.com/SpqZSGQcPu
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) March 14, 2018
Reframe: "You need to calm down" –> "Help me understand what you're trying to say" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/p5Surhj89I
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 26, 2017
Today's reframe: "That's not what you said" –> "I remember it differently" pic.twitter.com/W8X8FgGpKo
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) August 24, 2017
Reframe: "You should have known that would hurt my feelings" –> "I'm surprised you didn't realize that would hurt my feelings" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/C52Ha9g5JV
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) January 12, 2018
Reframe: "You need to stand up for yourself" –> "Your voice and opinion matter to this team" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/ncfsfYqjut
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) November 3, 2017
Reframe: "Grow a spine already" –> "I want us to feel we can discuss anything with each other" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/NyK4XsoZey
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) October 27, 2017
Reframe: "You have an anger problem" –> "I'm unhappy about how often you raise your voice" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/llYh8uvI8Q
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) October 3, 2017
Reframe: "That was so selfish" –> "I'm hurt that you didn't take me into account when you made that decision" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/nF0pcVY8Es
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 28, 2017
Reframe: "There's just no reasoning with you, is there." –> "I'd like us to have a thoughtful conversation about this sometime soon. Let's figure out when we might do that." #DisagreeBetter pic.twitter.com/W6KnCgbPKZ
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) July 28, 2020
Today's reframe: "You're not making any sense" –> "I don't understand" #changetheconversation pic.twitter.com/7ADSsYz1VV
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) August 25, 2017
Reframe: "Take a breath" –> "I can't absorb that much at once and I don't want to miss something important" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/0LJOqgwn6i
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) October 10, 2017
Reframe: "You're being such a jerk today" –> "Are you ok? You seem really off your game today" #TheSpaceBetween pic.twitter.com/zuUpi5g2AX
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) January 26, 2018
Reframe: "Why can't you take any responsibility?" –> "I can see ways we each contributed to this" #TheSpaceBetween pic.twitter.com/f65NZO1Gg9
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) February 23, 2018
Reframe: "We're instituting a sin tax on sugary drinks" –> "We're offering a discount on healthy drinks" #TheSpaceBetween (research supporting this https://t.co/ga9ODacspc) pic.twitter.com/NfngLuhDOw
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) February 2, 2018
Today's reframe: "Stop being so critical all the time" –> "It's painful to feel corrected so frequently" #changetheconversation pic.twitter.com/xwgbqwzuM8
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) August 29, 2017
Reframe: "Can you just skip all the drama for a change?" –> "I can see how much this matters to you" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/CePoSaPOCR
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) November 17, 2017
Reframe: "That reframe doesn't really work" –> "That reframe isn't suitable for the scenario I'm imagining" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/lUirwx63nc
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) October 20, 2017
Reframe: "Stop blaming me!" –> "I wish you could see that we both contributed to this" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/JVN6kvnwdP
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 19, 2017
Reframe: "You're being disrespectful again" –> "Please stop interrupting me repeatedly" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/8oroOtSbO1
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 12, 2017
Reframe: "Why can't you take any responsibility" –> "Help me understand why you don't think you contributed to this" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/D4WnzTNd2i
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) August 31, 2017
Reframe: "You're about as selfish as they come." –> "It's important to me that you take my needs into account too." #DisagreeBetter pic.twitter.com/ZRP0YPnqPj
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) July 28, 2020
Reframe: "Get control of yourself" –> "I can't hear you when you raise your voice" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/D78NmRw7NL
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 21, 2017
Reframe: "You owe me an apology" –> "I'd like to discuss the impact your words had on me" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/dhusLR0Fk8
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) November 10, 2017
Reframe: "You made me lose track of what I was going to say" –> "When we argue like this I can’t think straight." #TheSpaceBetween pic.twitter.com/1qXh0OPBJt
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) February 16, 2018
Reframe: "Why don't you ever listen to me?!" –> "I want what I say to matter to you" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/z0pwp9XHgL
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) October 6, 2017
Reframe: "He's so passive aggressive" –> "I'm baffled why he agrees to things and then doesn't do them" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/gdI2Qtg3kT
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) December 15, 2017
Reframe: "There's just no talking to him" –> "I don't know how to approach him differently" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/jUH9L9qPm6
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) December 1, 2017
Reframe: "They just don't like change" –> "I don't understand why they're opposed to the proposed change" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/57GO3ZUDGc
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 5, 2017
Reframe: "You're exaggerating, as usual" –> "I'm struck by how differently we each experienced what happened" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/fPjx9SgoPz
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) November 24, 2017
Reframe: "He's such an obstructionist" –> "I don't understand why he's saying no to my ideas" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/wZb37oeLpG
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 15, 2017
Reframe: "What a pigsty" –> "It would help me a lot if you'd keep your room tidier" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/RQfcRPBIY8
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 7, 2017
Last reframe of 2017: "He's not pulling his own weight" –> "I feel like I'm doing more than my fair share of the work" #ChangeTheConversation (see you in 2018!) pic.twitter.com/UBD3kAh6n8
— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) December 26, 2017