• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Tammy Lenski

Conflict resolution for business, team, and personal relationships

  • Hello
  • Books
  • Tools
  • Archives
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

Reframes

It matters how we convey our message and name (“frame”) the problem we want to solve. Do it well and we change the conversation for the better. Here are reframe examples from my occasional Twitter series.

Please be patient for a few seconds while the embedded tweets load:

Reframe: "Why can't you ever take responsibility?" –> "I'd like us each to acknowledge how we contributed to this." #DisagreeBetter pic.twitter.com/lz20ijS0we

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) July 28, 2020

Reframe: "You never listen!" –> "When I'm talking to you, is there something that would help get my message across better?" #DisagreeBetter pic.twitter.com/1lEQwN6JYs

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) July 9, 2020

Reframe: "All I hear from you is what I'm doing wrong all the time!" –> "It's disheartening to hear how much I do wrong and not much about what I do right." #DisagreeBetter pic.twitter.com/EoTbAUPN5i

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) July 9, 2020

Counter-intuitive reframe to reduce yelling: "Don't raise your voice at me!" –> "Hang on, I missed something important. Tell me again." #TheSpaceBetween pic.twitter.com/SpqZSGQcPu

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) March 14, 2018

Reframe: "You need to calm down" –> "Help me understand what you're trying to say" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/p5Surhj89I

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 26, 2017

Today's reframe: "That's not what you said" –> "I remember it differently" pic.twitter.com/W8X8FgGpKo

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) August 24, 2017

Reframe: "You should have known that would hurt my feelings" –> "I'm surprised you didn't realize that would hurt my feelings" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/C52Ha9g5JV

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) January 12, 2018

Reframe: "You need to stand up for yourself" –> "Your voice and opinion matter to this team" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/ncfsfYqjut

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) November 3, 2017

Reframe: "Grow a spine already" –> "I want us to feel we can discuss anything with each other" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/NyK4XsoZey

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) October 27, 2017

Reframe: "You have an anger problem" –> "I'm unhappy about how often you raise your voice" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/llYh8uvI8Q

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) October 3, 2017

Reframe: "That was so selfish" –> "I'm hurt that you didn't take me into account when you made that decision" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/nF0pcVY8Es

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 28, 2017

Reframe: "There's just no reasoning with you, is there." –> "I'd like us to have a thoughtful conversation about this sometime soon. Let's figure out when we might do that." #DisagreeBetter pic.twitter.com/W6KnCgbPKZ

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) July 28, 2020

Today's reframe: "You're not making any sense" –> "I don't understand" #changetheconversation pic.twitter.com/7ADSsYz1VV

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) August 25, 2017

Reframe: "Take a breath" –> "I can't absorb that much at once and I don't want to miss something important" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/0LJOqgwn6i

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) October 10, 2017

Reframe: "You're being such a jerk today" –> "Are you ok? You seem really off your game today" #TheSpaceBetween pic.twitter.com/zuUpi5g2AX

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) January 26, 2018

Reframe: "Why can't you take any responsibility?" –> "I can see ways we each contributed to this" #TheSpaceBetween pic.twitter.com/f65NZO1Gg9

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) February 23, 2018

Reframe: "We're instituting a sin tax on sugary drinks" –> "We're offering a discount on healthy drinks" #TheSpaceBetween (research supporting this https://t.co/ga9ODacspc) pic.twitter.com/NfngLuhDOw

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) February 2, 2018

Today's reframe: "Stop being so critical all the time" –> "It's painful to feel corrected so frequently" #changetheconversation pic.twitter.com/xwgbqwzuM8

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) August 29, 2017

Reframe: "Can you just skip all the drama for a change?" –> "I can see how much this matters to you" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/CePoSaPOCR

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) November 17, 2017

Reframe: "That reframe doesn't really work" –> "That reframe isn't suitable for the scenario I'm imagining" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/lUirwx63nc

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) October 20, 2017

Reframe: "Stop blaming me!" –> "I wish you could see that we both contributed to this" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/JVN6kvnwdP

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 19, 2017

Reframe: "You're being disrespectful again" –> "Please stop interrupting me repeatedly" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/8oroOtSbO1

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 12, 2017

Reframe: "Why can't you take any responsibility" –> "Help me understand why you don't think you contributed to this" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/D4WnzTNd2i

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) August 31, 2017

Reframe: "You're about as selfish as they come." –> "It's important to me that you take my needs into account too." #DisagreeBetter pic.twitter.com/ZRP0YPnqPj

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) July 28, 2020

Reframe: "Get control of yourself" –> "I can't hear you when you raise your voice" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/D78NmRw7NL

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 21, 2017

Reframe: "You owe me an apology" –> "I'd like to discuss the impact your words had on me" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/dhusLR0Fk8

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) November 10, 2017

Reframe: "You made me lose track of what I was going to say" –> "When we argue like this I can’t think straight." #TheSpaceBetween pic.twitter.com/1qXh0OPBJt

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) February 16, 2018

Reframe: "Why don't you ever listen to me?!" –> "I want what I say to matter to you" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/z0pwp9XHgL

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) October 6, 2017

Reframe: "He's so passive aggressive" –> "I'm baffled why he agrees to things and then doesn't do them" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/gdI2Qtg3kT

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) December 15, 2017

Reframe: "There's just no talking to him" –> "I don't know how to approach him differently" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/jUH9L9qPm6

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) December 1, 2017

Reframe: "They just don't like change" –> "I don't understand why they're opposed to the proposed change" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/57GO3ZUDGc

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 5, 2017

Reframe: "You're exaggerating, as usual" –> "I'm struck by how differently we each experienced what happened" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/fPjx9SgoPz

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) November 24, 2017

Reframe: "He's such an obstructionist" –> "I don't understand why he's saying no to my ideas" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/wZb37oeLpG

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 15, 2017

Reframe: "What a pigsty" –> "It would help me a lot if you'd keep your room tidier" #ChangeTheConversation pic.twitter.com/RQfcRPBIY8

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) September 7, 2017

Last reframe of 2017: "He's not pulling his own weight" –> "I feel like I'm doing more than my fair share of the work" #ChangeTheConversation (see you in 2018!) pic.twitter.com/UBD3kAh6n8

— Tammy Lenski (@tammylenski) December 26, 2017

Footer

Disagree better

Get The Disagree Better Guide + free road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox monthly

Uncopyright   ·   Site policies   ·   Search

Forgive the intrusion...
We use cookies to improve your browsing experience.
We like to eat them, too. Read the policy here.
I ACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non-necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

Click to see the next question. Questions load randomly. Some have links for a deeper dive.

It's real but is it true?
Who do I want to be?
What's the most important thing?
Am I being seen? Am I seeing?
What would love do now?
A week from now, will this have mattered?
What's holding my attention?
What else could this be?
What is the wish behind the criticism?
How has this affected me?
Why am I this angry?
What is the problem WE are trying to solve here?
What is the next right thing?

QueryCards ©2021 Myiaccord LLC. All rights reserved.

image of the email series

7 ways to disagree better today

Seven proven practices you can use immediately. One a day for a week + monthly road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox. No spam, unsubscribe anytime.

This companion download for the book is free — along with a free subscription to my monthly conflict resolution tools — when you register. Register just once to get full access to all downloads in my Resource Library:

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.