• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Tammy Lenski

Conflict resolution for business, team, and personal relationships

  • Hello
  • Books
  • Tools
  • Archives
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

Self-mastery

The best conflict resolution and communication skills in the world are little use if we can't access them when we need them most. Self-mastery is about being able to think clearly, respond nimbly, and maintain our equilibrium in the face of difficult and stressful interactions.

SIGN UP →

The essential ingredient (and often ignored) for effective conflict resolution

19 August 2014 by Tammy Lenski

You wander from room to room Hunting for the diamond necklace That is already around your neck. – Rumi The answer to your conflicts does not lie in yet another conflict resolution skills workshop to add to all that you’ve taken before (skills training may be worthwhile but there comes a point when more is […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

The venting myth

13 August 2014 by Tammy Lenski

Just don’t do it, ok?

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Getting unhooked from interpersonal conflict

26 September 2013 by Tammy Lenski

Getting unhooked from interpersonal conflict is not unlike freeing yourself from a barbed wire fence. There you are, squeezing between two rows of barbed wire, on your way to reaching a beautiful flower you wish to photograph, and the wool sweater your grandmother knitted you inadvertently becomes snagged. You are thwarted in your attempt to continue on. There is no going forward until you free yourself.

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Don’t take it personally. Really?

12 June 2013 by Tammy Lenski

dont take it personally

It’s so simple to advise, “Don’t take it personally.” And yet, too often, it’s utterly useless advice to someone in conflict. There’s something else they have to do first, before they can hope to stop taking it personally:

They have to take it more personally.

[…Read on…]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Shining a light on our conflict stories

31 May 2013 by Tammy Lenski

We are natural storytellers, so it’s no surprise that we would tell stories about our conflicts, too. Story-making and story-telling about our conflict is natural and not, on its own, a problem. The problem comes with our attachment to those stories and our mistaken belief that our story is a retelling of The Truth.

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Control anger during conflict with this technique

16 May 2013 by Tammy Lenski

Trying to control anger by focusing on angry thoughts and hurt feelings is like fanning the flames. It’s far more effective to pretend you’re a fly on the wall of a situation, new research confirms. In situations that trigger anger, you probably tend to focus on your anger and hurt, trying to understand it, get […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Stay calm in conflict, Felix Baumgartner style

15 October 2012 by Tammy Lenski

An excellent tool for staying calm in conflict is to take the long view.

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Conflict behavior change without the fallout

19 June 2012 by Tammy Lenski

“You’re ruining my life,” said Jay. Jay was a student in my Interpersonal Conflict graduate class, where students are invited to consider their unique strengths in resolving conflict and decide how to change conflict behavior that could be better. I designed the course in 1999 and have taught it countless times since in several grad […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

7 questions for letting go of anger during conflict

24 May 2012 by Tammy Lenski

Anger can be a gift. When tracked to its source, it tells us something about what’s important to us and what feels threatened by the conflict. When I’m mediating, I don’t fear my clients’ anger because when I see it, I know we’re about to learn something really valuable together. So, perhaps letting go of […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Letting go of unresolved conflict and your anger about it

2 March 2012 by Tammy Lenski

Last summer, when I was in Colorado to speak at the Association for Conflict Resolution’s Rocky Mountain Retreat, I met a woman whose energy, warmth and charisma swept through any room she was in. Today Paula Langguth Ryan broadcast an interview with me on her BlogTalkRadio show, the Conflict Free Zone. We discussed dealing with […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Do you recognize these 7 early warning signs of getting hooked by a conflict?

26 November 2011 by Tammy Lenski

Getting “hooked” by a conflict is the experience of being mentally snagged, caught by the conflict in such a way that you find yourself ruminating on it and feeling emotionally off balance. The earlier you know you’re hooked, the better your chances of handling things in ways you can feel good about later. Here are […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Dealing with anger at work: Co-workers and bosses hold the key to transforming anger

27 July 2011 by Tammy Lenski

The key to dealing with anger at work is a supportive, compassionate response instead of sanctions, references to codes of conduct, or ignoring it, according to recently published research by two Temple University and University of Baltimore professors. “Business codes of conduct are often about what we shouldn’t do as an angry employee in emotional […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Venting anger: A habit to break

13 May 2011 by Tammy Lenski

It’s likely to make you more aggressive.

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Is your inner lizard getting you into conflict?

23 December 2010 by Tammy Lenski

Everyone has an inner lizard, that part of your brain tasked with alerting you to threats in your environment and keeping you safe. Your inner lizard’s an important critter, but sometimes he’s over-involved. In conflict, you want to manage your inner lizard instead of allowing him to manage you. Your inner lizard lives in the […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Fred and Ed: A story about runaway thoughts

10 March 2010 by Tammy Lenski

Haven’t we all been Fred at least once?

Filed Under: Self-mastery

A quick deep breathing exercise for calming yourself

25 November 2009 by Tammy Lenski

Intellectually, you know that keeping your calm and your balance during conflict will serve you and the others involved better. But it’s hard to pull off in the midst of tension. Here’s a one-minute deep breathing exercise that’ll help. You can do this classic deep breathing exercise virtually anywhere, without drawing attention to yourself. It’s […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Why motivation matters if you want to change conflict behavior

12 May 2009 by Tammy Lenski

What does it take to change your own or an employee’s usual behavior pattern in conflict situations? More than anything it takes the motivation to learn and the commitment to practice that learning until it’s a new habit of mind. I have the good fortune of hearing Clayton Christensen speak this weekend. In anticipation, I’ve […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Kick the criticism habit

4 January 2009 by Tammy Lenski

We criticize in the name of improvement. In the name of problem-solving. In the name of personal and professional growth. In the name of feedback. And when all is said and done, so much criticism can become a habit that feeds interpersonal conflict and bickering. Here’s a challenge you can try if you want to […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Cultivating a non-anxious presence during difficult conversations

2 December 2008 by Tammy Lenski

One of the greatest gifts good mediators bring to the conflict resolution table is a non-anxious presence, an inner calm in the face of difficulty. And it’s one of those tools in the mediator’s toolkit that you can adopt for yourself. Mediators learn how to bring peace into the room with a non-anxious presence by […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Letting go of unresolved conflict

11 August 2008 by Tammy Lenski

A regular Conflict Zen® reader wrote to tell me she’s been working on changing her past conflict patterns, primarily avoidance. Linda went on to say (and I share this with her permission), “Maybe it’s me, but now that I’m facing some of the conflicts and trying to solve them, I’m finding folks sometimes want me […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Anger management along a muddy road

30 May 2008 by Tammy Lenski

Two monks, Tanzan and Ekido, were walking together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was falling and had swollen the stream running near the path. Rounding a bend, they saw a beautiful girl dressed in formal kimono, crying at an intersection. Tanzan asked, “What is wrong?” The girl explained that she was on her […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

A simple meditation for tense and stressful moments

15 May 2008 by Tammy Lenski

A Unitarian Universalist minister was once my student in a negotiation course. At the end of the course, by way of thanks, he gave me the gift of one of his books, a collection of reflections on life. There’s a gentle calmness about the collection, and one entry in particular that I return to again […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

3 simple tricks to calm down during disagreements

1 May 2008 by Tammy Lenski

It’s funny how frequently people introduce me as an anger management specialist. It used to puzzle me, because I didn’t think of myself that way. But I get it now: When I help you express disagreement and negotiate more effectively, I’m also helping you manage your emotional state better. Here, then, are my three simplest […]

Filed Under: Effective communication, Self-mastery

Conflict zen and managing your hot buttons

13 February 2008 by Tammy Lenski

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? – James Thurber Interpersonal conflict triggers Conflict triggers are your “hot buttons,” the emotional responses set off by the words or actions of others during difficult conversations. While it’s a common expression to say, “He presses my buttons,” or “She’s baiting me,” […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Letting go of anger, resentment and grudges

1 February 2008 by Tammy Lenski

In How to Let Go of Unresolved Conflict, I shared this Bill Clinton story about Nelson Mandela: “Mandela made a grand, elegant, dignified exit from prison and it was very, very powerful for the world to see. But as I watched him walking down that dusty road, I wondered whether he was thinking about the […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Beware the conflict replay

1 February 2008 by Tammy Lenski

Have you ever been in a disagreement or tough negotiation and couldn’t get it out of your head later? Maybe you kept replaying all or part of it in your mind, or told someone (or several someones) about it. Maybe it stayed with you for days or even weeks. Maybe your frustration, outrage, righteousness or […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

For women, more options than fight or flight

28 August 2007 by Tammy Lenski

It all started with a joke among scientists in a lab: When the women scientists experienced stress, they cleaned up the lab and bonded together over coffee. When the men were stressed, they “holed up somewhere on their own.” That joke lead to a ground-breaking UCLA study that turned five decades of stress research on […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

What are your conflict hooks?

30 July 2007 by Tammy Lenski

Conflict hooks are your personal hot buttons. They come from within you, not really from someone else pressing them, though that’s how we generally talk about them (He just presses my buttons). They’re based in your identity, or how you see yourself (and want others to see you) in the world. >

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Conflict hack: Buying time to cool down

26 June 2007 by Tammy Lenski

If you’re in a dispute that’s heating up and you’re finding yourself hot under the collar, make it your mission to stop the conversation. For now. Let yourself—and the conflict—cool down. When a conflict is escalating and you’re experiencing an emotional hijacking, the conversation is more likely to spiral destructively. There’s no rule that you […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

How to let go of unresolved conflict

11 June 2007 by Tammy Lenski

A workshop participant recently asked me, “When I can’t get the other person to talk, and the conflict can’t be resolved, how do I let go of it?” I’ve had the privilege of bearing witness others’ decisions to let go of an unresolved conflict and move on with their lives. And it really is a […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

« Previous Page
Next Page »

Footer

Disagree better

Get The Disagree Better Guide + free road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox monthly

We use cookies to improve your browsing experience. We like to eat them, too. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use. Find out more here: Cookie Policy

Uncopyright   ·   Site policies   ·   Search