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Tammy Lenski

Conflict resolution for business, team, and personal relationships

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Self-mastery

The best conflict resolution and communication skills in the world are little use if we can't access them when we need them most. Self-mastery is about being able to think clearly, respond nimbly, and maintain our equilibrium in the face of difficult and stressful interactions.

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Introducing QueryCards

15 January 2021 by Tammy Lenski

Self-coaching questions for conflict resolution.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

Three alternatives to rumination after an argument

6 October 2020 by Tammy Lenski

Never has a rubber duck been more helpful.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

An uncomplicated way to reduce the pitfalls of emotional memories during conflict resolution

2 June 2020 by Tammy Lenski

Don’t suppress or stifle — shift.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

How to stop ruminating at night (other times too)

29 January 2020 by Tammy Lenski

Go ahead, cozy on up to it.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

How to disagree better

19 November 2019 by Tammy Lenski

Have better disagreements in your personal and professional relationships.

Filed Under: Effective communication, Good problem-solving process, Mental models in problem solving, Self-mastery, The space between Tagged With: Featured

A way to turn anger into curiosity

4 June 2019 by Tammy Lenski

We’ll call this the George Takei method.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

Control emotions better by labeling them

26 February 2019 by Tammy Lenski

For once, labels are a good thing.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

Ask yourself this kind of question when an argument rattles you

2 July 2018 by Tammy Lenski

Use a centering question to get your balance back.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between Tagged With: Instagram

Fighting in a relationship: The gift of anger

8 May 2018 by Tammy Lenski

I blew my top and my friend surprised me.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

You make me so angry!

7 December 2017 by Tammy Lenski

This classic piece of research offers insight into the way context may influence blame and anger. Picture yourself stepping out to cross this suspension bridge in Vancouver, British Columbia. The Capilano Canyon Bridge is 230 feet high, 450 feet long. And it sways in the breeze. Now imagine that, just as you pass the midpoint […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

4 quick techniques to help you think straight in an argument

21 November 2017 by Tammy Lenski

Access your good skills when you need them most.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

Anxiety about a difficult conversation? Try this.

9 October 2017 by Tammy Lenski

What a good use of 10 minutes.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

A surprisingly effective way to handle behavior problems

8 August 2017 by Tammy Lenski

What would Bart Millar do?

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

A super simple method for regaining self-control

16 May 2017 by Tammy Lenski

Just a trip down memory lane.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

De-escalate anger with this straightforward invitation

21 February 2017 by Tammy Lenski

Anger is a signal, not a defect.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

Pattern interrupt

10 January 2017 by Tammy Lenski

There’s a difference between being justified in your response and the response being a good choice. Here’s a question I’ve found useful for gaining a little psychological distance in the heat of the moment and interrupting a response I might regret later. A woman I’ve never met emailed me. There were 14 sentences in her […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

Want someone to calm down? Don’t do this

22 November 2016 by Tammy Lenski

I’ve written that anger is a messenger that won’t shut up until its message is heard and understood. But if the anger is so big or so loud you can’t hear straight, there are things you can do to help someone calm down. And a few things you shouldn’t do…like these five missteps. I’ve written […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

Want more self-control during conflict? Try appealing to your future self

8 November 2016 by Tammy Lenski

Conflict can rob you of two precious mental faculties useful for sorting things out: The ability to view the situation from the other person’s perspective and the ability to check your impulses. New research suggests that your future self can help you recapture those abilities. Confrontations and conflict require self-control to resist the tempting words […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

The real message anger is trying to deliver

13 September 2016 by Tammy Lenski

During conflict, focusing mostly on anger’s behavior instead of on anger’s real message is like burying the lede in a news story. On the first day of high school journalism class, Nora Ephron’s teacher taught the class how to write a lede. He began with a set of facts: “Kenneth L. Peters, principal of Beverly […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

The art of dealing with insults

23 August 2016 by Tammy Lenski

A traditional Zen koan, or story.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

5 uncomplicated ways to gain psychological distance during conflict (and why you should)

2 August 2016 by Tammy Lenski

When you’re stuck on a problem or feeling angry, briefly distancing yourself psychologically from the current circumstances can give you emotional relief and actually help you solve the problem. Here are four simple and potent ways to gain psychological distance (and help others do the same) when you’re spinning your wheels in a conflict conversation.

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

The secret to de-escalating loud, angry conflict

7 June 2016 by Tammy Lenski

Take it from a mediator: When someone is angry and loud, trying to control them is not only an exercise in futility, but can also have an unintended consequence — it can escalate them. Here’s one powerful alternative. The bailiff unlocked the small courtroom. After telling me to make myself at home, he pointed to […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

9 ways to defeat cognitive overload during conflict resolution

24 May 2016 by Tammy Lenski

The brain’s working memory appears to be very limited and conflict places a lot of demand on that already-restricted capacity. But there are ways to reduce cognitive load during conflict resolution and free up the working memory needed for concentration, reasoning and good decision making. Working memory is like a mental workspace where we hold […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery, The space between

Sleep, conflict, and self-control

20 November 2015 by Tammy Lenski

Feeling angry, impulsive, or over-reactive? Sleep plays an important role in self-management and may just help you be a better negotiator. Here are three sleep studies that offer insights into the ways sleep, self-control, and conflict intertwine, and one quick, restorative sleep trick worth remembering.

[…Read on…]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

5 painless ways to increase self-control during conflict

12 August 2015 by Tammy Lenski

What do chocolate chip cookies and radishes reveal about self-control? Side by side, they’ve taught us some important lessons about willpower and what we can do to increase self-control during even the most difficult conversations and negotiations. Willpower researcher Dr. Roy Baumeister invited hungry college students into his lab. The room was suffused with the […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Just be reasonable

21 April 2015 by Tammy Lenski

When a person is very angry, asking or telling them to be reasonable is doomed to fail — here’s why and what to do instead. When a person is very angry, the part of their brain associated with being reasonable and articulating reasonable thoughts more or less shuts down. Closed for business. Sign on the […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

The primal roots of blame, defensiveness, and reactivity

23 March 2015 by Tammy Lenski

Handling blame, defensiveness, and strong reactivity during conflict can challenge both the informal mediators and professional conflict resolvers among us. I’ve found that an evolutionary lens for understanding possible roots of difficult behaviors to be really helpful and want to share it with you. Eons ago, being ostracized from your tribe meant, in all probability, […]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Willpower and managing emotions during conflict

12 January 2015 by Tammy Lenski

running

“Whatever you do, just don’t let me stop running,” I said to my husband as I laced up my running shoes and headed out the door. “I’ll see you at about 9:45. Remember — don’t let me stop!”

It was 1998 and I was training for my first marathon. I’d completed half marathons successfully. I’d been training faithfully, running every day, with a long run after work on Wednesdays and a longer run every weekend. It was early on a Saturday morning and I was about to run 20 miles. That was three miles longer than I’d ever run in my life.

[…Read on…]

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Mastering your inner game

4 December 2014 by Tammy Lenski

Really good negotiation skills and knowledge won’t completely do the trick. Learning the mechanics of confronting successfully usually isn’t enough. Deeper conflict resolution toolboxes only get you part of the way there.

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Trigger stacking

26 November 2014 by Tammy Lenski

In February 2012, a large dog named Max had a drama-filled 24 hours and it ended in a good (if tragic) lesson about the dangers of trigger stacking. Here’s how to notice trigger stacking and prevent it from hijacking you.

Filed Under: Self-mastery

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What's the most important thing?
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Am I being seen? Am I seeing?
A week from now, will this have mattered?
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Why am I this angry?
What else could this be?
It's real but is it true?
How has this affected me?
What is the problem WE are trying to solve here?
What would love do now?
What is the next right thing?
What is the wish behind the criticism?

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