Stop trying to persuade them out of their resistance.
Examining mental models
Mental models are the explanations and pictures we naturally construct in our heads to make sense of the world and our experiences. Our mental models heavily influence our conflict stories. We disagree better when we understand the ways this "invisible architecture" of the mind can help or hinder us.
A surprisingly effective way to handle behavior problems
What would Bart Millar do?
When negotiations get stuck, be sure you do this
It’s not news that understanding the other person’s key interests is a crucial skill for your negotiation skills toolbox. I knew that when I went into the contract negotiation in the following story…and I almost blew it anyway. It took a question born out of desperation to teach me that some interests can be elusive, […]
Walking a mile in their shoes may not be such a good idea after all
There seem to be two routes to empathy. One will tax you more.
5 counter-intuitive conflict resolution habits worth developing
Skills alone will only get you so far.
How category errors make conflict harder to resolve
We put people, places, things, and ideas into categories. Categories help us navigate the world and it’s natural to categorize. We categorize in conflict, too. But the tension of conflict increases the chances we’ll make category errors — and category errors can really get in the way of conflict resolution. It’s two o’clock in the […]
We could all use a Russell in our lives
We seek out allies when we’re in conflict because allies make us feel strong and right and reasonable. But in trying to be helpful, our allies may actually help perpetuate the conflict by boosting our certainty. When we’re being tested by a conflict, what we want isn’t an ally, it’s a loving provocateur.
One intriguing reason blame feels hard to take
The next time someone declines to take responsibility for words or actions that had a bad impact, don’t immediately assume it’s a flaw in their character. Maybe it’s just their protective brain doing its job. We flip a light switch and the light turns on or off. We experience agency in that moment — the […]
Weaving the narrative of a conflict
Conflict takes root in the space between our narrative about what happened and theirs. One way to understand conflict resolution is as the act of weaving a new joint narrative, one that includes the most valuable threads in each story A fan approached bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert at a book signing. The woman said, “Eat […]
How totalizing makes conflict more grueling
Resist that all-or-nothing language and thought
When conflict is real but not true
How one momentary pause can transform your conversation.
You want this mental device in your relationship conflict toolbox
A way to help couples overcome relationship conflict
How to navigate the “not my problem” problem
When you’re at the edge of a cliff, sometimes progress is a step backward.
Better problem solving starts with this essential habit
Challenging problems often demand that we push beyond familiar options and explore new territory in order to solve them. But leaving the familiar behind is uncomfortable and sometimes unpleasant. When we can stop ourselves from hurrying out of the “groan zone” and doing the important work we need to do there, our problem solving is […]
A good rule of thumb when responding to difficult behavior
Under-match the behavior.
How to deal with difficult people
How to deal with difficult people? It’s one of the most frequent questions I’m asked in my workshops and by readers, friends, and grad students. Here’s my strategy for dealing with difficult people and why it so consistently works. Occasionally I am difficult. I don’t set out to be difficult and I may not even […]
Your memory about what happened is probably wrong
Memory doesn’t exist to help us perfectly recall things in our lives. It’s there to help us survive. And to do its job properly, memory must evolve. Here’s a quick recap of the ways memory is flawed and why arguing about the accuracy of memories is like running on a gerbil wheel and expecting to get somewhere new.
Quick to blame but slower to give credit? Beware of this thinking error
When an action has bad impact, how you think about that impact can play a significant role in triggering and escalating blame and conflict. And despite how rational you believe you are, there’s a thinking error that can lead you down a very irrational path. It’s called the Knobe Effect. Cognitive (thinking) errors are thought […]
Conflict resolution activities: A mental trick for getting out of our own way
When we need to get out of our own way, there’s a simple yet powerful exercise we can use to help. It doesn’t take much practice — just commitment for a few minutes. Here’s one of my favorite conflict resolution activities for changing emotional state and tricking my mind into being more helpful in the […]
Better than standing in their shoes: Get into their movie
It’s hard to stand in someone else’s shoes when you’re in conflict with them. It can feel too close, like you’re being asked to stop being you and try to be them for a moment. Here’s an alternative that’s easier to pull off and as familiar to you as going to the movies.