Like having a mediator in the living room with you.
Effective communication
Effective communication is one of the four key dimensions of every problem-solving conversation. The following articles explore word choice, good listening skills and habits, body language, and the kind of careful attention to others that together shape effective communication in transformative conversations in team and business settings.
How to disagree better
Have better disagreements in your personal and professional relationships.
How to influence the way people act during conflict
Beliefs can and do create social reality.
How to politely stop long-winded talkers
“At what point do I get to be the one to talk?”
5 bad listening habits and how to break them
Listening is not just waiting to talk.
How to express a concern without making things worse
A soft start is just the ticket.
5 impactful questions for handling difficult moments
Don’t go it alone. Take these questions with you.
Is the overconfidence effect sabotaging your communication?
The signal sent may not be the signal received.
An effortless way to discern others’ emotions
Less is more.
How to backpedal after saying the wrong thing
When your mouth gets ahead of good judgment.
Can this key ingredient protect your marriage from relationship conflict?
Psst: It’s not about “resolution.”
The communication method that makes disagreements worse
Move away from that keyboard.
The question that brings hamster wheel debates to a standstill
Some debates, arguments, and bickering go on and on, without leading anywhere (except to more frustration). If you find yourself in this kind of debate, or are trying to stop others caught in one, here’s a single question that’s almost magical in its power to help.
Why you should make a habit of repeating this question
Our solutions are only as good as our understanding of the problem. There’s a good question we can use to help discover a problem’s roots. And we can turn it into an even better question by employing it liberally — more liberally than most of us naturally do. Legendary Toyota executive Taiichi Ohno wanted employees […]
Fear is the enemy of apology
One reason apologies feel hard to offer is that they’re colored by fear — fear of feeling shame, fear of feeling judged, fear of offering an olive branch that is not returned. To apologize, we must find ways to anticipate not only what will go wrong, but what also what could go right.
A simple little technique for turning criticism into constructive feedback
The way you deliver feedback can make the difference between instant defensiveness and thoughtful consideration. One way to reduce immediate push-back is to “make it behavioral.” Here’s how to give feedback that’s behavioral and examples to translate the idea into words. An attorney emailed to challenge a piece of my writing about difficult behaviors, saying, […]
How to say no persuasively
Being able to say no is essential for good day-to-day negotiating. Yet it can evoke anxiety about appearing obstructive, unkind, or unhelpful. If you want a way to keep yourself from saying yes when you really do need to say no, pack this research-supported technique in your toolkit.
How to show you’re really listening without interrupting
Want to break the advice-giving habit but aren’t sure what to do instead? Want someone else to stop giving you unsolicited advice all the time? Here’s a good question to ask in those moments and a simple alternative to giving advice when what they really want is someone to listen. When someone tells you about […]
How to ask questions like a pro
Questions are your stock-in-trade.
5 impactful phrases to interrupt habitual yelling
Some people do conflict loudly, whether due to familial or cultural roots, habit, or a low boiling point. When you want to interrupt someone’s habitual yelling during conflict, try to make the request without contributing to the fight. Someone screamed and yelled at me in public recently. Her anger had flared and yelling is her […]
The key to handling arguments about respect
Feeling dissed? Here’s how to raise concerns about disrespect in a way that increases dialogue and decreases pushback. Twenty-seven years ago this past summer, I met my husband. Sometime in those first months of dating, he casually dropped a conversational bomb one day: Tammy, he said, you don’t treat me with respect when we disagree. […]
Be a better listener with these 3 everyday practices
It’s hard to get better at listening during conflict by practicing during conflict. If you want to be a better listener, practice outside of a difficult conversation. The stakes will be lower and it’ll be easier to be on top of your game. Here are three simple ways to practice being a good listener in […]
A quick little phrase to stop bickering in its tracks
Bickering, an argument about trivial matters, is one of those everyday bad habits that feeds the growth of destructive conflict in a relationship. When you teach yourself how to stop getting sucked into bickering, you give yourself and your relationship some fresh air. Here’s a short phrase that can help.
How to confront someone without being confrontational
Confronting is an essential negotiation, conflict resolution, and problem-solving skill. Being confrontational, though, will usually do you more harm then help. Here’s a mediator’s tip for how to confront someone and raise an issue for discussion without being aggressive or argumentative. When I want to confront someone about a concern but don’t want to come […]
The key ingredients of an effective apology
New research has identified six elements to an apology, and the more of those elements you include, the more effective your apology. But not all six elements are equally valuable. Two are particularly crucial to having your apology accepted. In 2008, Annie Wilson of Dallas, Texas, got a pretty memorable telephone call from her gardener. […]
Want to influence behavior? Stop telling and ask this type of question instead
Positive affirmations may be popular, but if you want to influence behavior, questions trump statements. But not just any old questions. One type of question in particular can create powerful psychological leverage for changing your own and others’ behavior. “Stay calm,” you remind yourself in difficult moments. “Don’t drink and drive,” say the public service […]
Overcoming an “empathy deficit” in conflict
The stress of conflict has ramifications we’re only just beginning to understand: We can apparently “catch” someone else’s stress physiologically. Acute stress can desensitize us to another’s pain. And stress from the presence of a stranger may reduce the ability to empathize. But 15 minutes of shared experience might just help. Many years ago, I […]
How to email someone after a falling out
What’s the best way to re-establish communication with someone after a falling out? Here’s how to write an email that will help you reconnect after no contact and set the stage for talking in person or by phone. A reader wrote me with the question, What is the best way to email someone after a […]
One ridiculously simple way to be more persuasive
Failing to ask effectively for what we want is the stuff of low-grade irritation that, over time, can become a source of chronic tension. Here’s a ridiculously simple way to ask more effectively, be more persuasive without manipulating, and increase the odds a small favor will be granted.
The importance of silence in conflict conversations
Whether we’re participants in a conflict conversation or mediating it, creating space for a question to be contemplated before answering is a powerful gift. When we fill the space out of our own discomfort with the silence, we inadvertently smother the possibility of a deeper answer.