3 questions for choosing the right tool at the right time.
Conflict resolution skills and strategies
The articles in this section discuss general conflict resolution skills and strategies for executives, HR professionals, mediators, and coaches. They also include occasional announcements about my upcoming public workshops and online conflict resolution courses.
The space between
There’s a space that changes form and scale as we navigate our personal and business relationships. It’s the space between us, narrowing and softening when things are going well, widening and hardening in times of tension. The quality of our relationships, the degree of our happiness, and the success of our solutions are all influenced by The Space Between.
Conflict resolution terms defined
A dispute is not the same as a conflict. Mediation is different from facilitation. I’ve had repeated requests for the language I use to describe and define common conflict resolution terms like these, so here’s the language I use and a PDF download suitable for printing.
Learning from Maori tradition: Whakawhanaungatanga
Whakawhanaungatanga is a Māori process for establishing relationships and connection. I explore whakawhanaungatanga with New Zealanders Hilary Unwin and Pereri Hathaway in this audio interview.
A loving letter to my mediation clients
My friend,
There are some things I want to say about mediation with me, things I hope you’ll ponder before we gather, things I hope will guide you as we talk. I may mention them a time or two during our time together.
When tension continues after conflict seems resolved
Even after a dispute is resolved, conflict and tension can linger. Here’s how to find out what is stopping someone from letting go and moving on after conflict.
One powerful way to help ease the suffering in conflict
Conflict and suffering are confederates working in painful alliance, each feeding the other as if to ensure its own continued existence. If I turn away from the suffering in conflict, I deny a part of my clients’ experience. If I try to fix suffering, I assume a task that is not really mine to shoulder. […]
Keeping yourself (and others) out of conflict corners
It’s tempting to feel triumphant when we successfully back our nemesis into a figurative corner. But it’s ill-advised triumph. Here are ways to address and prevent cornering in your own and others’ conflicts.
Are you letting this common habit get in the way of effective mediating?
It feels natural to take notes while mediating or coaching, and coaching and mediation notes serve a purpose. While jotting down something really important is useful, taking notes throughout the session is often a mistake. Here’s how note-taking can be a bad habit and a barrier to effective mediating and coaching. In a recent conflict […]
When good conflict resolution skills steer you wrong
Better conflict resolution skills alone will only get you so far. How you use them is what makes the real difference. One of my mediation grad students had an epiphany about this in the midst of an argument with her husband. My Interpersonal Conflict Resolution class was just getting underway when Kate, very animated as […]
9 holiday conflict survival tips from a mediator
There’s no time like the holidays for good cheer and jolly times with family. And the stress that leads to conflict. Since life is short and the holiday season comes around just once a year, here are a professional mediator’s tips for disarming holiday conflict so you can focus on the joy and fun instead.
3 things your mediator probably won’t tell you
Here are three things your good mediator probably won’t tell you (and why you should hire them anyway). 1. I’m not necessarily good at handling conflict in my own life I used to think it was just me, that I was the only mediator in the world who occasionally totally sucked at conflict in my […]
The everyday activity that can set the stage for a less difficult conversation
Whether you’re mediating informally (as a leader, manager, friend) or professionally, this everyday activity can help you set the stage for a better conversation.
Bearing witness to suffering: Mediating in the shadow of pain
Pain and suffering often lie beneath conflict. What of this “beneath” is the business of conflict resolution professionals? How do we grow our capacity to bear witness without judging or fixing and to stay with our clients wherever they are? And how can we stay in the shadow of pain without carrying its weight on our own shoulders?
The fine line
“What’s Dad doing?” said my sister, a note of concern in her voice. The other three of us turned to see our father making his way through the back yard. He was heading to the corner of the garden that served as our little pet cemetery. He had a shovel over his shoulder. And in his hand was the container holding our mother’s ashes.
The simple, everyday habit that will make you better at conflict resolution
Certainty and disinterest are conflict’s allies. Conflict resolution has allies, too. Among them are curiosity and genuine interest in the other person’s view of the world. It’s very difficult to make yourself curious in the midst of stress and difficulty if you do not also have this habit when you are relaxed. If you want […]
Leaving room for the door to open
Next time you’re putting pressure on someone in a disagreement, step back and do what this political canvasser did when he knocked on our door recently.
The 15-minute self-mediation
Like a mediator in your living room.
4 simple stress-free holiday tips
A writer for Coca-Cola asked me for some stress-free holiday tips. Here’s my first tip and a link to the rest of the article:
1. Stay Well Fed
Lenski’s top tip for keeping calm is fairly simple to achieve in a time of year when food is often abundant. “Don’t let yourself get ‘hangry,’” she says.
“The self-control needed to deal with anger and aggression takes energy and our brains get that energy partly from glucose,” Lenski explains. “If we haven’t eaten properly, low blood sugar makes it harder to deal with confrontations and can cause us to lash out.”
If you find yourself saying something you might regret…
New online conflict resolution course: Calm, Cool, and Collected
I’m thrilled to announce my brand new online course on staying calm, cool, and collected in conflict, negotiations, and confrontations.
As of right this second, I’m taking earlybird registrations for Calm, Cool, and Collected and I’ve got an introductory offer for those of you who sign up early.
Calm, Cool, and Collected is an online course for people who want to…
Conflict resolution as meaning making
A dear friend had a stroke last week and she has lost the ability to speak, at least for now. To all appearances she looks almost fully recovered, yet her communication has been a mix of pain, frustration, and the occasional triumph.
As her friends form a circle of love around her, one of us next to her hospital bed every morning, afternoon, and evening to support her and try to interpret her gestures, scribbles, and diagrams, we hear again and again from the her medical team that the work ahead of her is to re-form the links, the neural pathways, that were damaged by the stroke.
<a href="[…Read on…]“>[…Read on…]g
Do you want an A or do you want something to change?
Years ago, I heard Peter Block
Do you want an “A,” or do you want something to change?
Radio show interview on KUCI 88.9 FM
Mari Frank, host of the Prescriptions for Healing Conflict radio show on KUCI 88.9 FM, interviewed me for the show. If you weren’t able to listen live, here’s the recording:
The leader’s guide to conflict pivots
If you’re a leader or manager, then part of your job is to help your people handle conflict optimally and resolve team conflict effectively. In some research I conducted a while back, leaders and managers said that they spent up to 40% of their time resolving conflict in workplace teams or helping specific team members […]
The mediator’s guide to conflict pivots
The Conflict Pivot isn’t only for people who want to resolve their own conflicts. It’s for mediators and other conflict resolution professionals like you and me, too–people who help people resolve their conflicts. I’ve been using the book’s principles and approaches in my mediations and consulting for years now and it’s changed the way I […]
How conflict resolution is like oak trees, saplings, and acorns
When a conflict has been going on for a while, other ancillary conflicts tend to sprout around it. And sometimes those ancillary conflicts will linger even once the central conflict is resolved. It is the nature of conflict and here’s what to do about it.
Ed Catmull, President of Pixar and Disney Animation, puts it this way: “There is the problem you know you are trying to solve–think of that as an oak tree–and then there are all the other problems–think of these as saplings–that sprouted from the acorns that fell around it. And these problems remain after you cut the oak tree down.”
And he tells a great story to illustrate his point…
The conflict pivot is here
This blog post has been ten years in the making. That’s how long I’ve been developing and fine-tuning conflict pivots, then writing the book.
I’m here to tell you The Conflict Pivot went live on Amazon yesterday and will be available on many other online and bricks-and-mortar bookstores soon. My virtual book tour begins today, complete with gifts and prizes…read on for details and a link to buy the book.
The conflict pivot: Official book trailer
The Conflict Pivot will be out soon and when I know the exact date I’ll let everyone know. So the time seemed right to share the official book trailer, which has been in the works for a couple of months. I hope you’ll take a look and share it far and wide.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3Sf9eaQFHM?rel=0&w=560&h=315%5D[Can’t see the video in your email program? Click the link below to view it online.]
A conflict coaching teleseminar
On Thursday I’ll be teaching a conflict coaching teleseminar for the Association for Conflict Resolution. Here is what’s on tap:
What: Coaching the Conflict Pivot: Three Steps to Help Free Clients from Conflict
When: Thursday, June 5, 1-2pm EDT
For whom: The Workplace Section members and my invited guests (that’s you!)
Continuing education credits? Yes, for ACR Advanced Practitioners
How to attend: […Read on…]
Sneak peak: My new book’s introduction
Jen, a mediation graduate student in my Interpersonal Conflict course, pointed to an excellent conflict resolution book we’d just read and said, “I love this book. And I hate it, too. It’s got so much to teach me, but I won’t remember it all. I just can’t keep track of that much advice.” She’d just […]