• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Tammy Lenski

Conflict resolution for business, team, and personal relationships

  • Hello
  • Books
  • Courses
  • Archives
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

Beware the conflict replay

1 February 2008 by Tammy Lenski

Have you ever been in a disagreement or tough negotiation and couldn’t get it out of your head later? Maybe you kept replaying all or part of it in your mind, or told someone (or several someones) about it. Maybe it stayed with you for days or even weeks. Maybe your frustration, outrage, righteousness or worry were fed by the replays.

Beware. Replaying a dispute for yourself or others carries a price it may not be worth. When you replay a conflict (or any situation, for that matter), you’re actually creating a well-worn neural pathway in your brain. It’s like a walk in the woods: If you take the same route every time, the path begins to get established and worn and easier to use. The more we “walk” a neural pathway in our heads, the more it deepens and and the easier it becomes to follow that line of thinking next time. For a little more on neural pathways and their relationship to memory and learning, try this article on Brain.org.

That’s a great way to memorize the multiplication table. But it’s an expensive trap in conflict and one that gets people stuck time and again. I see the results with too much frequency in my mediation work. It generally sounds something like this: Let me tell you what really happened. My version is the “right” one. I know it happened that way because I remember it clearly. The other person’s memory/story/recollection is fallible/crazy/wrong/a lie.

It’s an expensive trap because:

  • Just because you replayed a conflict over and over in a particular way doesn’t mean that the memory or perception of it is accurate. It just means you’ve created certainty by the act of replay.
  • It takes a long time — if it’s even possible — to become willing to consider that there are other ways of remembering, perceiving or understanding what happened. It’s alluring to stick to the same path, harder to beat a new path through the brush.
  • If each side suffers from this same problematic clarity, a lot of emotional energy goes into try to help the other person “see the light” or arguing about who’s recollection is more accurate.
  • If the dispute gets stuck due in part to this phenomenon, it can be expensive for the pocketbook, too.
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Footer

Disagree better

Get The Disagree Better Guide + free road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox monthly

Uncopyright   ·   Site policies   ·   Search

Forgive the intrusion...
We use cookies to improve your browsing experience.
We like to eat them, too. Read the policy here.
I ACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non-necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

Click to see the next question. Questions load randomly. Some have links for a deeper dive.

A week from now, will this have mattered?
It's real but is it true?
Why am I this angry?
What is the problem WE are trying to solve here?
How has this affected me?
What is the next right thing?
What's holding my attention?
What's the most important thing?
Who do I want to be?
What is the wish behind the criticism?
What would love do now?
What else could this be?
Am I being seen? Am I seeing?

QueryCards ©2021 Myiaccord LLC. All rights reserved.

image of the email series

7 ways to disagree better today

Seven proven practices you can use immediately. One a day for a week + monthly road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox. No spam, unsubscribe anytime.

This companion download for the book is free — along with a free subscription to my monthly conflict resolution tools — when you register. Register just once to get full access to all downloads in my Resource Library:

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.
loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.