Tammy Lenski

Disagree Better

Emotional agility during conflict

The best conflict resolution and communication skills aren’t very useful if we can’t access them when we need them most. We disagree better when emotional agility helps us maintain or regain our equilibrium during stressful interactions.

Emotional agility is the capacity to regard our emotions as information and to use that information to respond in ways that are in alignment with who and how we want to be in the world and in the present circumstances.

Between the stimulus and the response is our greatest power—we have the freedom to choose our response.

STEPHEN COVEY

When we are emotionally agile in conflict situations we are able to regard our emotions — and the thoughts that accompany them — as messengers signaling that something important to us is feeling thwarted. This way of viewing our experience helps us avoid being swamped by our emotions so that we can disagree better.

1. Identify what hooks you

In my 2014 book, The Conflict Pivot, I coined the term “conflict hook” to describe a natural part of our identity that becomes snagged, like a fish on a line, during conflict. This happens when something important to us feels thwarted or we perceive an insult to the way we see ourselves (and want others to see us) in the world.

An important aspect of emotional agility is self-knowledge about our conflict hooks and developing the self-awareness to recognize when we’re hooked. Try these practices to identify and work with your conflict hooks:

  • Identify the conflict hooks that tend to snag you the most. Read this overview of conflict hooks to start thinking about what hooks you.
  • See if there’s a pattern to what hooks you. Many of us have 1-2 dominant conflict hooks. Use the free downloadable Conflict Pivot Worksheet (available in English, French, and Spanish) to explore patterns; think of 2-3 different conflict scenarios and fill out the worksheet for each one.
  • Practice noticing when you’re hooked.

2. Create psychological distance

Psychological distance is the mental distance you create by briefly detaching from what you’re experiencing and stepping outside yourself in your mind’s eye. “Self-distancing” behaviors help calm internal chatter, reduce impulsiveness, and help us steer clear of “self-immersive” behaviors (focusing on hurt and anger), which tend to amplify anger and aggression.

Try these psychological distancing practices to be more emotionally agile during conflict:

  • Label your strong emotion. Known as “affect labeling,” the practice is well-supported by research to dampen the effect of unwelcome emotions.
  • Develop a centering question for yourself. Use it on yourself when you’re feeling swept up by a strong emotion during disagreement.
  • Practice prospection. Picture yourself a year from now, looking back on this moment. Silently describe to yourself how you feel about the argument, as you look back at it.

3. Seek the message that’s struggling to be heard

Emotional agility enables us to view our thoughts and emotions as messengers by giving us the emotional space to discern and act on the message.

Try these practices to discover the message that’s struggling to be heard:

4. Build capacity over time

Increase your emotional agility by starting small and building capacity over time:

  • Decide who you will be. Use an identity-based habit to keep you motivated as you shift old habits into more emotionally agile habits.
  • Don’t avoid small fights. Build “muscle memory” for the above practices by trying and refining in low-stakes moments.

More from Tammy about emotional agility

  • Workshops and presentations: I have been teaching online and in-person seminars and courses about conflict hooks and emotional agility since 1999 and welcome your inquiry about a workshop for your organization or group.
  • The Disagree Better Dispatch: For nearly 25 years, I’ve written a newsletter about emotional agility and other essential conflict resolution skills and habits. Subscribe here.

Find my past articles about emotional agility and conflict here: