• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Tammy Lenski

Conflict resolution for business, team, and personal relationships

  • Hello
  • Books
  • Tools
  • Archives
  • Subscribe
  • Contact

7 questions for letting go of anger during conflict

24 May 2012 by Tammy Lenski

sand and stoneAnger can be a gift. When tracked to its source, it tells us something about what’s important to us and what feels threatened by the conflict. When I’m mediating, I don’t fear my clients’ anger because when I see it, I know we’re about to learn something really valuable together.

So, perhaps letting go of anger during conflict isn’t the right goal. To allow the gift of anger to help us unravel the conflict at its true source, we need to handle our anger so that doesn’t create debris or hurt anyone while we learn from it.

Here are seven of my favorite questions to ask mediation and coaching clients when they’re struggling with their own anger. I use them with myself, too. Print them out, put them in your wallet, post them next to your keyboard so you don’t later regret the email reply you’re about to send:

  1. Is my inner lizard calling the shots or am I? In conflict, you want to make sure that you’re managing your inner lizard instead of him managing you. Becoming familiar with your inner lizard helps you notice, in the heat of the moment, that you’ve been hijacked.
  2. What’s triggering me right now? There are six or so common types of triggers that will account for most button-pushing moments. Knowing your conflict triggers helps you manage your inner lizard, too.
  3. Have I fallen into the venting trap? It’s a myth that venting anger is cathartic and purges your system. Instead, venting actually fans the flames of your anger. If you realize you’re venting, do one of these things instead.
  4. Am I yelling at or yelling toward? In many cases, you’ll discover you’re really yelling toward the other person (and if you’re not a yeller, you may be crying toward, icy toward, ____ toward — you get the idea). When you realize you’re yelling toward, you give yourself the gift of realizing your anger is, in that moment, a cry of pain or a cry for help, not a club.
  5. How can I buy some time to cool down? Do not — really, DO NOT — continue in the conversation when you’ve lost your cool. Here’s how to extricate yourself temporarily so you can buy enough time to cool down.
  6. What’s the most important thing? When anger hijacks you, it’s possible to lose sight of the most important things. Once you’ve bought time to cool down, it’s time to remind yourself what is really important.
  7. What’s my centering question? Discover your own centering question, the question you can ask yourself in the heat of the moment and that will pause you, even for just a moment. Find that question and use it, use it, use it.

Do you have a favorite question for letting go of anger in conflict? Please share it in the comments.

  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Self-mastery

Footer

Disagree better

Get The Disagree Better Guide + free road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox monthly

Uncopyright   ·   Site policies   ·   Search

Forgive the intrusion...
We use cookies to improve your browsing experience.
We like to eat them, too. Read the policy here.
I ACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non-necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

Click to see the next question. Questions load randomly. Some have links for a deeper dive.

What is the wish behind the criticism?
What is the problem WE are trying to solve here?
What's the most important thing?
What would love do now?
It's real but is it true?
Am I being seen? Am I seeing?
What is the next right thing?
What else could this be?
A week from now, will this have mattered?
Why am I this angry?
Who do I want to be?
What's holding my attention?
How has this affected me?

QueryCards ©2021 Myiaccord LLC. All rights reserved.

image of the email series

7 ways to disagree better today

Seven proven practices you can use immediately. One a day for a week + monthly road-tested conflict resolution tools delivered to your inbox. No spam, unsubscribe anytime.

This companion download for the book is free — along with a free subscription to my monthly conflict resolution tools — when you register. Register just once to get full access to all downloads in my Resource Library:

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.
loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.