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Safeguarding the space between

20 tried-and-true ways to unclutter a conflict

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Conflict coaches and professional mediators like me help people unclutter and untangle conflicts. We know how to step into the puzzle with you and figure out what pieces go where. With the right thoughts, you can do it for yourself, too.

Here are 20 ways to move yourself toward the simple, uncluttered thoughts that will unlock complexity. But don’t read them all now.

Bookmark this list and come back to it as a reference for those times you’re stuck in a conflict situation and need a little guidance and inspiration.

  1. Have a centering question you can use when you need it
  2. Empty your teacup
  3. Shift how you think about conflict
  4. De-escalate with genuine listening, not the fake technique-y crap
  5. When things heat up, calm yourself
  6. Acquaint yourself with your own hot buttons
  7. Take the long view
  8. Choose to adopt a “mind like water” attitude
  9. Refuse to accept the gift of an insult
  10. Make peace with the groan zone
  11. Avoid the 7 phrases you can’t say in conflict resolution
  12. Learn the mediator’s secret for good listening
  13. Bring a beginner’s mind to the conversation
  14. Separate intention from impact
  15. Forget fault, consider contribution instead
  16. Don’t offer disingenuous apologies
  17. Distinguish acknowledgment from agreement
  18. Beware the “tweaking CC”
  19. Remove “always” and “never” from your argument vocabulary
  20. When you blow it, be patient with yourself
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